Faithful readers, I know I promised to talk about great new plants in this week's post, but a matter of greater urgency cropped up that demands attention. It reminds me of the time I was due to shoot a live gardening spot for local TV, when suddenly I was preempted by an event deemed more newsworthy.

Eight police cars with blue flashing lights were chasing OJ's Bronco down the freeway.

I could not believe how twisted America's values were. You mean to tell me you're more interested in seeing if OJ shoots himself than learning about how to prune a mulberry tree? What is this world coming to?

Meet eco-terrorist Steve Bender, who foolishly insists on considering both sides of an argument.

The Raging Inferno

The issue that preempts "new plants for your garden" is the recent announcement of a new partnership between the National Wildlife Federation (NWF) and garden products manufacturer Scott's Miracle-Gro. I would say the pact has "ignited a firestorm of criticism" from environmental groups, but that phrase has already been used 1,147 times in the last four days and I pride myself in being original.

Instead, the issue has kindled a conflagration of controversy.

Environmental groups that practice 100% organic gardening, eschew all chemicals, and think everyone else should be forced to do the same excoriate NWF for forging an unholy alliance with an "evil" company like Scott's. A recent posting on the web page of Native Plants & Wildlife Gardens makes this outrageous, over-the-top statement: "[The] fundamental problem with the partnership ...is that Scotts Miracle-Gro’s revenues depend almost entirely on selling consumers products to kill wildlife and destroy wildlife habitat."

Right. Every morning, Scott's managers open their daily agendas and recite in unison Item 1: "Today I will do everything I can to destroy the Earth and in so doing pad our bottom line."

Hogwash. (If I didn't work at Southern Living, I would substitute a common barnyard term for hogwash here, but you get what I mean.)

Full Disclosure

Before you leap to the conclusion that Grumpy has been bought by Scott's to defend it, let me address this forthwith. Grumpy gets no $$$ nor anything of material value from Scott's Miracle-Gro. I do use some of their products, but I do so because I believe they're safe and effective, and I pay for them.

Grumpy does have a long, one-sided relationship with the company, however. Centuries ago when Grumpy was but a wee lad learning how to garden, our family used Miracle-Gro. That was back when it was called "Stern's Miracle-Gro," before Scott's bought the original company. We used Miracle-Gro on our flowers, vegetables, and other plants for one primary reason. It worked.

I've used Scott's lawn products for a long time too, because they're high-quality, they work, and I like having a nice lawn. (Sorry, lawn-haters. If you want to live in the forest, in the desert, or on the prairie, feel free. I don't care. But Grumpy won't be your neighbor.) I remember that once I was a teenager, I sent in a little card that came with the fertilizer that would bring me seasonal updates on lawn care. I thought that was cool.

Logical conclusion -- Scott's obviously poisoned my mind at a tender age, convincing me to embark upon a misguided career of writing about the joys of gardening. The fiends! 

What We Hate About You

The enraged environmental groups are vilifying the new partnership for two reasons. First, Scott's makes lawn and garden chemicals, which necessarily earns them the title, "Messenger from Satan." Second, the MFS is now in a position to corrupt and taint a respected environmental organization, the NWF, whose leaders are so malleable and hungry for cash that they'll abandon their core values to do their new master's bidding. 

Let Grumpy address the first issue. A lot of people out there don't believe in using any non-natural manufactured pesticide, whether it be insecticide, fungicide, herbicide, whatever. Fine. No problem. It's a free country and your garden is your own. But I reject the notion that people who choose to use "chemicals" to target specific, hard-to-control pests in a responsible manner are evil. (By the way, organic fertilizers are chemicals too.) I don't spray Sevin on my vegetables, but I see nothing wrong with zapping the poison ivy on my oak tree with Roundup applied according to directions. So sue me.

Now to THE BIG ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM (hereafter referred to as TBEITR -- Grumpy loves anagrams): Roundup (glyphosate). The most successful, most widely used, and most profitable garden chemical ever. Millions of people throughout the country use it every year to control weeds in their gardens. It has been thoroughly tested by government regulatory agencies and found to be safe when used as directed.

Nonetheless, many environmentalists revile Roundup. One reason is that its manufacturer, Monsanto, is the worldwide leader in developing genetically modified crops, such as Roundup Ready corn, wheat, soybeans, and alfalfa, that can sprayed with Roundup to control weeds without killing the crops. Grumpy doesn't like genetically-modified crops, because there is real danger their engineered genes may wind up in other plants, creating super-weeds that nothing will kill. And he doesn't like Monsanto's heavy-handed tactics that involve trespassing on private property to search for Roundup Ready crops the farmer hasn't paid for. 

So how does Scott's figure into all this? Well, Monsanto licensed Scott's to sell Roundup for use in home gardens in this country. Important note: Scott's doesn't market Roundup to farmers. Monsanto still supplies the farm industry, which sprays tons of the stuff over Roundup Ready fields. Some studies suggest such widespread spraying can harm fish and amphibians, but label directions specifically warn against using Roundup near or on water. Quote: "Environmental Hazards. Do not apply directly to water, to areas where surface water is present, or to intertidal areas below the high water mark." I think that's pretty clear.

I've also read posts on the web that say Roundup causes miscarriages in farm animals. The charge goes pretty much like this. Cow has miscarriage. New microorganism found in field where cow has miscarriage. Field where miscarriage occurred was treated with Roundup. Conclusion: Roundup responsible for microorganism that caused miscarriage.

Ummmmmm...........maybe it's just me, but I think that's a stretch. In any case, I'm not interested in defending Monsanto. My mission is to advise and help home gardeners.

Do You Use Roundup? A Grumpy Survey

To find out how home gardeners across the country use Roundup, I recently posted the following questions on Grumpy's Facebook page: "How many of you use Roundup in your gardens? Do you read and follow the directions before using it? Do you feel safe using it?"

The responses (and I thank every one of you who took the time to answer) were very interesting. A number of you said you would never use it for any reason. Even more said you do use it for very specific reasons. You use it on weeds that grow in the cracks in your sidewalk and driveway. You use it to kill tough weeds, like poison ivy, English ivy, Johnson grass, and Bermuda grass. You use as little of it as possible and you follow the label directions.

Of course, some of you don't use it the right way. You say you mix it to double-strength in the belief that if the recommended dosage kills a weed, twice as much kills it twice as good. THIS IS INCORRECT. Roundup kills weeds by being absorbed by leaves and stems and then transported by the plant's vascular system to the roots. When you double the dosage, you destroy the vascular system before translocation occurs. The chemical never reaches the roots and the weed grows back. SO FOLLOW DIRECTIONS.

Don't Want No Scott's People 'Round Here

A lot of people take the attitude that all those in corporate America are devils. Thus, anyone who works at Scott's is a devil. And the best way to defeat these devils is to shun them, make them pariahs, and shut off any possibility of civil discourse to avoid contamination.

Hogwash. (Oh nuts! Just dropped the H-bomb again!)

I've met some of the people who work at Scott's. Not the bigwigs, but the rank-and-file. Want to know what they're like?

Well, they have two eyes, two ears, a nose, a mouth, two arms, and two legs. Just like you. They get married and have kids. Just like you. They want their kids to eat the best food, drink the purest water, and get the best education. Just like you. Employees at Scott's HQ don't work under a dome supplied with pure, filtered air, while the rest of Marysville, Ohio breathes dirty, industrial air. Scott's people don't get special key cards that let them shop in the "Food Not Tainted By Roundup" section of the grocery store. I'm sure not all of them agree with every decision their company makes. But the best place to effect change is from within.

Strange Bedfellows

Much of the hostility directed at the Scott's-NWF partnership comes from supporters of NWF who feel betrayed. After all, why would an organization promoting certified backyard wildlife habitats that forbid the use of chemical pesticides and fertilizers get in bed with Scott's?

The answer is that the goal of the partnership is something NWF very much desires -- the success of NWF's nationwide "Be Out There" campaign that seeks to reconnect children with the natural world, create green spaces that attract wildlife, and foster the next generation of environmentalists. Scott's financial support furthers this worthy cause.

Critics call Scott's money dirty money, as if their dollars are made from Roundup. I say a dollar is a dollar, so why not let it do good? Grumpy is reminded of an organization that partners with big business to preserve critical wildlife habitats -- the Nature Conservancy. Rather then demonizing the business community, the Nature Conservancy engages them, often convincing them to donate their own property to wildlife sanctuaries. The result is more land that's protected.

So which do you think is better -- more land protected or less land? Hmmmm. I'll go with more.

Changes at Scott's

The relationship between Scott's and NWF is a two-way street. NWF gets needed dollars. In return, NWF affects Scott's business plan. NWF's CEO Larry Schweiger points to three positive initiatives. First, Scott's is developing a full line of natural gardening products. Second, Scott's is phasing out the use of sphagnum peat moss in its potting soils, because mining peat moss in Canada destroys vital wildlife habitat. Third, and most important, after 2012, Scott's chemical lawn fertilizers will no longer contain phosphorus. When phosphorus gets into bodies of water, it causes the rapid growth of algae that rob the water of oxygen and suffocate marine life. This decision is a big deal.

As for you lawn-haters out there who condemn Scott's for promoting environment-killing lawns, I say have you ever considered what a lawn is? It's a solid mat of mostly leaves and roots. Turfgrass absorbs pollutants and greenhouse gases. It filters out nutrients before they get into water better than even forests do. It traps dirt and dust before you walk it into the house. It provides a beautiful, pleasant surface for recreation. In return, grass releases oxygen for us to breathe and water vapor to cool the air around us. Lawns are a major reason why the suburbs are 6-10 degrees cooler than city centers in the summer.

In Conclusion

I don't agree with everything Scott's says or does. For example, I don't like their Bonus S Southern Lawn Weed & Feed, because it contains atrazine, a herbicide that's a serious water pollutant. I don't think lawns need to be fertilized any more than twice a year. I think using winterizer fertilizer on Southern lawns is a waste of money, because grass that's going dormant doesn't need extra nutrients. And I think any chemical that's been banned in the U.S. after being judged unsafe should not be sold to other countries with laxer standards.

But am I going to demonize Scott's and the NWF without talking to them and listening to their side? No way. Shouting your opinion into a mirror doesn't change anyone's mind. It does, however, give you a really good look at yourself.

And the Answer Is....

Now to something you're all dying to know that I briefly hinted at as I began this lengthy diatribe.

Question: When is the best time to prune a mulberry tree?

Answer: Whenever you can find a chain saw.

http://www.ustream.tv/channel/presidential-response-01-25-12

Being the Grumpy Gardener is no cakewalk, believe me. In my never-ending quest to keep YOU on the forefront of gardening's newest trends, I must often leave behind my family and travel to distant lands where the skies are never gray and the air is never cold -- for DAYS at a time. This past week's epic voyage to the Miami-Ft. Lauderdale area in an exotic country called south Florida was yet another prime example of self-deprivation for the sake of my loyal readers.

Grumpy's mission to Florida was two-fold -- to attend the Tropical Foliage Plant Industry Exposition (TPIE), the country's finest show of tropical plants in order to discover great new plants for the insides of your home; and to visit the recently expanded trial gardens at Costa Farms to get a sneak-peek at the best new annual and perennial flowers for the outside of your home.

But before I could do any of that, I was forced to endure yet another hardship -- hobnobbing with the movers and shakers of the tropical plant world at the Costa family home in Miami. Not only was I served mass quantities of very delicious food and a bottomless glass of expertly-made mojitos, but I was treated to the musical stylings of Costa Farms' version of Gloria Estefan -- the lovely and talented Marta Maria Garcia.

Here is Marta Maria belting out "Get On Your Feet." People did.

On With the Show 

There is nothing timid about TPIE. Everything is bright, everything is gaudy. For example, how do you feel about these new orchids?

Now, sure, blue and purple moth orchids aren't natural, but neither is lipstick, mascara, eye liner, blush, concealer, and glitter, and I don't see women giving up THOSE any time soon. (Not that Grumpy's complaining, you understand. He appreciates perfection.) In case you wonder how they do it, growers inject blue or purple dye into the roots of white orchids and the flowers absorb the pigment. Hmmm.....maybe that's how the blue cat people on Avatar got that way.  

New Indoor Plants to Look For

The first indoor plant to catch Grumpy's jaundiced eye was a new miniature poinsettia hybrid that Costa will be test-marketing to select markets for Valentine's Day sales this February. It's only 8-10 inches tall and the profuse, deep-pink bracts nearly hide the foliage. I hope the test goes well, because I think it would make a great gift plant.

Would you buy this for Valentine's Day?

Easy-care houseplants are big with Grumpy, so I was excited to see the fantastic work that's being done with Aglaonema. Yeah, yeah, I know. Aglaonema sounds like a painful medical condition involving boils. ("How is your Aglaonema this morning, dear?")

But you're probably already familiar with one species, Chinese evergreen (A. modestum). Chinese evergreen is one of the easiest of all houseplants, because it takes low light and doesn't need much water. People buy it because of its silvery, mottled leaves, but comparing it to the new Aglaonemas coming out is like comparing a neon sign in Vegas with your neighbor's yellow porch light. Here's a new one simply called 'Red.'

Aglaonema 'Red'

Costa simply must come up with a better name than 'Red.' I suggest 'Caliente.' (Yes, I'm multi-lingual.) It's just as easy to grow as Chinese evergreen. And there are more new ones in the pipeline.

A third class of indoor plants I'd like you to consider for 2012 are succulents.  Succulents include such plants as aloe, agave, cacti, hens & chicks, sedum, kalanchoe, and Jade plant. These plants require very little water or humidity, because they store water in their leaves and stems. All they really need is good, well-drained potting soil and bright light.

Many succulents grow slowly indoors, so they won't quickly outgrow their space. For this reason, mixtures of succulents plants in a shallow dish container about 12 inches wide are becoming quite popular. But those masters of marketing at Costa Farms came up with a great idea -- a single succulent in a small ceramic pot with a plastic handle attached (above), so you can carry it home without touching any spines it might have. What a great gift item.

Many younger gardeners think that growing African violets is kind of like putting on a Perry Como record -- it marks you as an old fogey (not because of Perry Como -- because you're using a "record"). 

But as Reinhold Holtkamp of Optimara, the world's largest grower of African violets, told me, the plants they have today are not your Grandma's violets. In addition to featuring a dazzling array of colors and sizes (like the miniature violets you see here), African violets no longer need a nap between blooming cycles. Given the right growing conditions (bright, indirect light being one), they pretty much bloom nonstop.

Miniature seemed to be the "in thing" at the show with growers displaying smaller versions of familiar indoor plants that need less space in the home and are also cheaper to buy. Like these here orchids:

Grumpy think these look pretty cool. Give me half a dozen.

Next Time -- New Outdoor Plants on the Horizon

The new trial gardens at Costa Farm covers about two acres and tests flowers from the growers all over the world. See what flowers got Grumpy so excited he spilled his cup of Ovaltine.

Well, now that the college football season is over (I find that beer lessens the withdrawal, but doesn't cure it completely), winter mauling of trees and shrubs by bored sports addicts is in high gear. Last week, I provided guidelines to prevent ghastly mauling of shrubs in winter. This week, I shall address trees. Ladies, please hide ANYTHING your man could use to cut with (including diamond-studded dental floss), until you have read this.

Which trees are OK to prune now and which ones aren't? Here goes.

Beech -- You won't find this magnificent native tree in garden centers, so if you have one, it's one that was already there. It tends to branch low. I like to remove some of the lower limbs ("limb up") to reveal the beautiful, silvery bark. OK to prune now.

Birch -- Prune for the same reasons as beech, but not now. Cut branches bleed sap as spring approaches. Prune it in summer.

Bradford pear -- Cut to ground now and plant something else. Click here to find out why.

Chaste tree

Chaste tree (Vitex) -- Chaste tree blooms on new growth, so winter is the time to prune. It's so twiggy, it actually requires annual pruning to keep from looking like a real mess. There are two ways to go about it. First, you can cut the tree to the ground every winter. New growth will sprout in spring and grow amazingly fast, up to about 6 feet. You will also get big flower clusters. However, Grumpy likes chaste trees with old gnarled trunks, so I prune mine differently, almost like I prune a crepe myrtle. I choose 4-5 main trunks and let them grow. Then in winter, I completely clear out all side branches and twigs up to a height of 6 feet. If a bird can fly through the middle of it unimpeded, you've done it right.

Chinese elm (lacebark elm) -- Prune for the same reasons as beech and birch. Now is the best time.

Chinese pistache -- Doesn't need much pruning, but now is OK.

Crabapple -- See "Fruit trees" below.

Crabapple

Crepe myrtle -- No one has excoriated the odious practice of crepe murder more than the Grump. Winter is the best time to prune, but DO NOT use saws to reduce trunks to ugly stumps. Likewise, do not cut back branches to the same point every year, creating ugly knobs. Instead, realize that most crepe myrtles are TREES. Let them grow upright and tall with 4-5 main trunks. To better reveal the beautiful bark, prune away all side branches growing from these trunks up to a height of 4-5 feet. It's OK to remove the old seed pods, although leaving them on will not reduce blooming.

Crepe Murder

In Grumpy's estimation, most people commit crepe murder  because the crepe myrtle they planted grows twice as big as they thought it would. You can avoid this by choosing a semi-dwarf crepe myrtle that grows only 8-12 feet tall. Click here for more information on them. For detailed info on how Grumpy prunes his big crepe myrtle, click on "Crepe Myrtle Pruning Step-By-Step."

Dogwood -- Needs little pruning. Prune after it finishes blooming.

Flowering cherry -- There are many popular kinds ('Yoshino,' 'Okame,' 'Kwanzan,' weeping) that bloom in spring. So don't prune now or you'll cut off the flowers. Prune right after they finish flowering. But take it easy -- they don't need much. Just remove any suckers from the bottom and any crossing or rubbing branches.

Fruit trees (apple, cherry, peach, pear, plum) -- These trees bloom in spring, so you might expect Grumpy to say don't bloom until flowering is over. But actually, winter is the best time. One reason is that fruit trees tend to grow dense and twiggy. It's hard to see into them when they have leaves. Another is that if you let all the branches bloom, the tree will set more fruit than it can develop and the resulting fruits will be small and less sweet. Thickly branched fruit trees are also susceptible to disease. So what you want to do is thin out the branches in winter. Remove suckers from the bottom and also watersprouts (shoots that grow straight up from the main branches without branching). Also remove branches that are crossing, rubbing, or growing through the center of the tree.

Ginkgo -- Needs little pruning. OK to prune now.

Ginkgo

Goldenrain tree -- It blooms on new growth, so winter and early spring are good times to prune.

Hawthorne -- The thorns are vicious, so I'd say prune whenever you happen to find a pair of leather gloves that cover your entire forearms. Otherwise, be afraid. Be very afraid.

Honeylocust -- OK to prune now.

Japanese magnolia -- Hardly ever needs pruning. Find something else to do.

Maple -- Don't prune now, as maples will bleed sap from cuts in late winter. Prune maples in summer.

Sugar maple

Needle-leaf evergreens (conifers) -- These generally have a more formal and tidy shape than deciduous trees, so you prune them mainly to control size. It's OK to prune now, but remember -- never cut back a branch beyond its innermost needles or it will die.

Oak -- OK to prune now.

Palm -- OK to remove old, dead palm fronds, but don't touch the growing point at the top of the trunk or the palm will die.

Pecan -- OK to prune now. Don't want to into a lot of detail here, because training a young pecan for nut production is a multi-year process that takes too  much room to describe. Besides, if you have a pecan in your yard, it's probably too big to prune, except for the lowest branches. Let Grumpy just say that for most homeowners, placement of this tree  is more important than pruning. Because of it's wide-spreading, vase-shape, it's one of the first to topple in a windstorm. I wouldn't want mine close to the house.

Southern magnolia -- OK to prune now. Always cut back to a leaf or bud or else remove the branch entirely.

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Coming Up -- The Best of What's New

Later this week, Grumpy will be flying to south Florida to attend TPIE (Tropical Plant Industry Exhibition), the country's largest show of tropical flowering and foliage plants, as well as visit his friends at Costa Farms to see all of the latest and greatest annual and perennial flowers in their trial gardens. My next post will present some of the newest plants that have my salivary glands working overtime.

Pruning Maniac -- armed and extremely dangerous

Fellow gardeners, we stand on the verge of apocalypse. With the end of the college football season, thousands of men steaming with pent-up testosterone and overpowering boredom are about to pick up saws and pruners and lay waste to your landscape. It just feels good to cut something.

However, if you can possibly slip a Valium into hubby's oatmeal before he reaches the garage, do so. Then read the following guidelines to see which shrubs can be pruned in winter and which ones  can't. My next pruning post will deal with trees.

Abelia -- This blooms pretty much continuously on new growth from spring to fall, so it's OK to prune it now.

'Annabelle' hydrangea -- Blooms on new growth. Can cut it back now as far as you want. Cutting it severely will produce much larger, but fewer blooms.

Angel's trumpet -- Blooms on new growth. Can cut it back now as far as you want.

Azalea

Azailyers (aka Azaleas) -- Don't prune now or you'll cut off the spring flowers. Prune them back immediately after they finish flowering in spring.

Beautyberry -- Blooms on new growth, so cut it back now as low as a foot tall if you want.

Butterfly bush -- Same advice as for beautyberry.

Boxwood -- OK to prune now. Plants sheared into tight balls are prone to disease because of stress and poor air circulation. To prevent this, use hand pruners to thin out out the foliage and let light and air better reach the center. Always cut back to a leaf, bud, or twig. While you're at it, clean out any leaves and other debris that have gathered in the shrub's center. 

Cape plumbago -- OK to prune now. 

Chinese hibiscus -- Can prune it just about any time.

Climbing roses -- Don't prune now (except to remove dead stuff), because if yours is a kind that blooms only in spring (like Lady Banks or rambling types), you'll cut off all the flowers. Play it safe by pruning after the main spring bloom.

Common cameelyers (aka Camellias). Don't prune now or you won't get any flowers. Prune in late spring or early summer. Camellias need little pruning, so take it easy.

Confederate rose -- OK to prune now. Cut it back as far as you want.

Daphne -- Hardly ever needs pruning, but if you feel compelled, do so in late spring after blooming.

Forsythia -- Don't prune now or you'll cut off all the spring blooms. Wait until after it finishes flowering in spring.

Forsythia

French hydrangeas (them bushes with blue or pink flowers) -- When to prune depends on whether you have a once-bloomer (like 'Nikko Blue') or a repeat-bloomer, like 'Endless Summer.' Once-bloomers bloom on last year's growth, so if you prune them now, you won't get any flowers. Do any necessary pruning (which isn't much) next summer just as the flowers begin to fade. Repeat-bloomers bloom on both last year's and this year's growth, so you can prune them now and they'll still bloom.

Gardenia -- It's too late to prune now and get a decent bloom in June. Wait until just after it finishes blooming in summer.

Holly (evergreen) -- OK to prune now and just about any time.

Indian hawthorn -- Wait to prune until after it finishes blooming in spring.

Japanese yew -- OK to prune now.

Juniper -- OK to prune now.

'Knockout rose' -- Grumpy knows this will come as a shock, but this "no-care" rose needs annual pruning. Prune it now to reduce its size and encourage new growth and flowers in spring. 

Lilac -- Prune after it finishes blooming in spring. To rejuvenate an old, gnarly shrub that doesn't bloom well, cut off old, woody trunks at the ground to encourage new growth.

Lilac

Loropetalum -- OK to prune now if you don't care about spring flowers. If you do, prune after it blooms in spring.

Mockorange -- Wait until it finishes blooming in spring.

Nandina -- Older nandina types get leggy and sparse at the bottom. Prune now or in spring. Cut back trunks to different heights, cutting just above a tuft of foliage.  

Oleander -- Don't prune now. Wait until immediately after it finishes blooming in spring or summer.

    Oleander

Photinia (red tip) -- Cut it down and throw it away. Any time is fine.

Privet -- Cut it down and cast it into the fires of Mt. Doom. Middle Earth will thank you.

Podocarpus -- OK to prune now.

Rose-of-Sharon -- Blooms on new growth, so prune it now or in early spring.

Spirea -- Prune summer-bloomers now or in spring. Prune spring-bloomers soon after they finish blooming.

Weigela -- Prune the same as for forsythia.

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Grumpy's Next Post

"Grumpy's Winter Pruning Guide -- Part 2." Pruning trees.

I know this blog is supposed to be about gardening. But today, I'm giving myself special license on a special day. As of today, January 4, 2012, Judy and I have been married for 20 years.

Judy, the temptress, gets us banished from the garden. Way to go.

I know what you're thinking -- what nursery did I order her from? Grumpy assures you she did not come in a box (at least, not one without air holes). Indulge me while I spin the story of our tumultuous and totally perfect two decades together.

In the Beginning

Most people assume that the Grumpy Gardener could only have met his future bride in a garden. In fact, Judy did not like growing things, especially flowers and bushes, as you could not eat them and were therefore wasting your time.

We met on a Sierra Club hike. The Birmingham, AL chapter of the Sierra Club was pretty much a singles group for Ostensibly Environmentally-Conscious Guys hoping to meet girls. Judy was a girl. She had just moved down from Nashville. She sat down on a picnic table and a bunch of OECG immediately  surrounded her. They reminded me of a pack of male cheetahs who had raised their heads, sniffed the air, and thought, "Mmmm. Me smell gazelle."

Thanks to the OECG pack, I didn't even talk to Judy that day, but I did look and listen. I discerned three important qualities about her destined to make her Mrs. Grumpy Gardener.

1. She was beautiful. (Aesthetic Grumpy.)

2. She had a good job. (Practical Grumpy.)

3. She had a terrific sense of humor. (Funny Grumpy.)

Eventually, Grumpy was able to pry her away from the loser she going with and convince her to go on a luxurious first date. I sat in her living room watching "Star Trek -- The Next Generation" while she fixed me spaghetti. Ladies, it doesn't get any better than that.

After dating her for about a year, I decided we should get married. Our incredibly romantic dialogue went something like this.

Grumpy: "I love you."

Judy: "Thanks."

Grumpy: "Do you love me?"

Judy: "Sure."

Grumpy: "Then let's get married. It's the logical thing to do."

Judy: "I concur."

Of course, a woman can only maintain logic for so long. I discovered this when Judy set our wedding date. January 1. New Year's Day. "The first day of the year has a special meaning for me," she explained. "It's a new beginning."

"You do realize there are two fundamental flaws with that date," I stated.

"What?" she replied. She really had no clue, so I clued her in.

"One -- Everyone will still be hung over from the night before. Two -- all the college football bowl games are on TV that day." (This was before the BCS.) "No guy will come."

After a marathon of convincing, she finally relented and moved the date to Saturday, January 4. It was a cold, dreary, overcast day -- surely, a portent of things to come. Suffice it to say that just about everything the groom is responsible for prior to and during the ceremony, I messed up. The only two things I did right was give her the ring (which she had bought) and say, "I do." (She bought my ring too. Grumpy is a cheapskate.)

The Rest of the Story

I can only describe our next 20 years together as 100% smooth sailing. No arguments, no cross words, no cyanide pills, no hairdryers accidentally dropped into the bathwater. Of course, there was that one unexplained gas grill explosion that burned off my eyebrows. And that humorous time during our honeymoon in the Canadian Rockies when I accidentally whacked Judy in the head with my walking stick, nearly knocking her into a raging river. But who among us hasn't done that?

How has our time together changed Judy? Well, she now enjoys gardening just a smidge. She likes forcing paperwhite narcissus into bloom for the holidays -- especially the part where you keep them shorter by watering them with gin. And she's gotten used to me using her as fodder for this blog whenever I feel like it, including this famous shot of her promoting her healthy, organic lifestyle.

Judy can clean my trailer any time.

But in addition to 20 wonderful years, there is one other thing she has given me for which I will be eternally grateful. That's our boy, Brian. This fall, he will be entering Auburn University as the recipient of a Presidential Scholarship. (Sorry, Bama fans. His choice.) 

Doesn't my boy fill you with confidence for the future?

As Brian's chosen field of study is theoretical physics (I prefer real physics myself), I have charged him with discovering the elusive Higg's Boson, the fundamental particle of all matter. Failing that, could he please just find me the remote? I swear those things just get up and walk away.

To Judy

Grumpy often has a hard time expressing his true feelings about you, so for just a moment I have adopted the persona of my mentor, the always smooth Keith Stone. It was Keith, I believe, who penned these touching words in a children's book that I read to Brian when he was little.

"I'll love you forever, I'll like you forever, as long as I'm living, my baby you'll be."

Love you, baby.

 Keith.

Well, it's that favorite time of year again, when we abandon all notions of rest and relaxation and scurry maniacally through the malls, trying to make sure any present we give someone is worth at least as much as the one they give us. No doubt, some of these gifts are holiday plants that someone will give you. Here's how to keep them alive through the holidays and possibly after too.

Poinsettia

Before I get into care issues, let Grumpy just quash one stupid myth about poinsettias that keeps some people from enjoying them. They do not spontaneously combust. Never happens. They are also not poisonous. If you want to poison yourself, eat an azalea. But a poinsettia, while not tasty, is not toxic.

What to do now. Poinsettia breeders have greatly improved the plants over the decades, making them much more adaptable to lower light levels indoors. So instead of defoliating to the point of nekkidness a week after Christmas, they can actually look good indoors for a couple of months.

Give your poinsettia bright, indirect light (direct sunlight is not required) and temps around 65-70 degrees. Keep the soil moist, but not soggy. Good drainage is essential, lest the plant quickly transform into a lump of mush. Remove the any foil from around the pot or at least poke drainage holes in it. Never let a poinsettia sit in water that's accumulated in a saucer. Empty the saucer.

What to do later. If you live in south Florida, extreme south Texas, or other places it doesn't frost, you can plant your poinsettia outside and it will grow into a small tree that will bloom every year in winter. If you don't, chuck the plant as soon as it starts looking peaked. Greenhouse poinsettias are the product of very specific growing techniques. In your home, you'll never be able to get it to look as pretty again as when you bought it. 

Christmas Cactus

Unlike poinsettia, this is a plant you can keep for years and years and have it bloom beautifully every time. Grumpy has had his three plants for 6-7 years now. Two magenta ones actually begin blooming around Thanksgiving, while my salmon-pink one starts a little later. 

What to do now. Give Christmas cactus about the exact same care as poinsettias indoors. Keep the soil evenly moist while it is in bud or blooming, but never let the plant sit in a saucer of water. 

What to do later. If you have a room with bright natural light, you can keep your plant growing year-round indoors. Or you can do what Grumpy does. After the last spring frost, I move my Christmas cactus onto my screened porch outside. The bright, indirect light is perfect, as hot, direct summer sun burns Christmas cactus. I water each plant thoroughly once a week, making sure each pot drains well. The soil should go slightly dry between waterings. I fertilize them once a month spring through summer with Miracle-Gro. As fall progresses, the shortening days spur the plants to form flower buds. I bring them inside when nightly lows start dropping into the upper 30's. 

Kalanchoe

First, let's get the correct pronunciation question out of the way. Some people say, "Kuh-LANK-koe." Some say, "Kuh-LANCH-oe." And some say, "Kal-en-KO-ee." Grumpy doesn't care how you say it, just that you know what to do with it. Like Christmas cactus, this is a plant you can keep for years and get it to rebloom in winter with no problem.

Kalanchoe

What to do now. Kalanchoe likes the brightest light it can get indoors, including direct sun. It's a succulent that doesn't need much water in winter. Water it once so that water runs out of the pot (again, good drainage is mandatory), then don't water again until it starts to wilt slightly. Flowering can last for months, extending into the spring.

What to do later. Unless you have a room that gets direct sun, I recommend taking your kalanchoe outdoors soon after your last spring frost. I keep mine on the deck, where it gets dappled sun all day. I water it only when it's dry, being careful not to overwater. I fertilize it with Miracle-Gro once a month spring through summer. Older stems eventually become woody with sparse, light-green leaves. Clip them off at the base to spur new, healthy growth. Like poinsettia and Christmas cactus, kalanchoe sets flower buds as nights lengthen in fall. However, don't expose it to artificial light at night or it won't set buds. Bring it inside for the winter before the onset of freezing weather.

Amaryllis, Christmas cactus, and cyclamen

Amaryllis

Given the phallic shape of this bulb's flower stalk before the bud opens, it's only natural that whoever you give this to might question your intentions. But then the flowers open and they're absolutely gorgeous and people get their minds out of the gutter.

What to do now. If you're lucky, you received an amaryllis bulb that's produced two flower stalks, doubling your pleasure. A succession of opening blooms should keep the plant looking good for a couple of weeks. After the last bloom fades, cut off the stalk, but be careful where you do this, because the cut stalk will gush water. 

What to do later. After you cut off the old stalks, thick, straplike leaves will start growing. These will produce food for the bulbs to make next year's flowers. Place the pot in a bright window and keep the soil moist, but not soggy. Again, provide good drainage. After your last spring frost, you have a couple of options. If you live in the Lower, Coastal, or Tropical South (USDA Zones 8-10), you can plant your bulb in the garden. It will start blooming the next spring (not at Christmas).

In colder climes, take it outside to a sunny spot after the last frost. It can stay in the same pot for years. I water mine when then soil gets dry and fertilize monthly spring through summer with Miracle-Gro. In October, I quit watering altogether to get the plant to enter a dormant phase. The leaves slowly shrivel and yellow and I cut them off. I take the bulb and pot indoors to a cool, dry garage for a couple of months. Then I water it once and wait for new growth to pop out of the top of the bulb. When I see a new flower bud emerge, I move the plant into bright light upstairs, water again, and await the show.

Paperwhite Narcissus

Forcing the bulbs into holiday bloom indoors is one of the better goof-proof, feel-good holiday activities. Even my wife likes to do this. All you have to do is nestle the bulbs into a saucer or shallow container filled with an inch of gravel and then add water up to the bottoms of the bulbs.

What to do now. There isn't much. However, you'll find that if you give your paperwhites bright light and temps below 65 degrees, they won't grow so tall that they come crashing down in the middle of the night. Your paperwhites will last longer and look better if you can keep them outdoors in the cool air for most of the day, as long as it doesn't freeze.

What to do later. Well, if you live in the Lower, Coastal, and Tropical South (USDA Zones 8-10), you can plant them in the garden after the last frost. They're not winter-hardy north of there. Elsewhere, chuck 'em. They're cheap, so buy new ones next fall.

Grumpy's Leaving!!!

Not, not permanently, so put that pistol down. He's just taking some well-deserved time off for the holidays to visit New Orleans and then create a slew of international incidents cruising around the Caribbean. Feel free to keep posting gardening questions here, but understand that any posted after December 21 will have to wait until the New Year to be answered. I'm resting.

In the meantime, to all of my faithful and very intelligent followers, Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah, and Happy Festivus! 

Gosharooney, it's a beautiful day with sun shining, birds chirping, compost cooking, and the wife still snoring. Idyllic times like these put Grumpy in mind of his many legions of fans and their great desire to lavish him with thoughtful gifts in this holiday season. With that in mind, here are a few garden-related items I would greatly appreciate receiving. Please send as many as your budget will allow.

An English Gardener. Grumpy's job requires extensive travel in order to bring you only the finest gardens in the South, as well as the compelling stories of hardscrabble millionaires who have used their meager resources to create lovely country estates the you would be turned away from if you showed up in person. Because of this, I am unable to give my own home garden the 24-7 expert care it rightly deserves.

What I need, therefore, is a trained English gardener well-versed in every aspect of planting, pruning, watering, fertilizing, controlling insects and diseases, and caring for my plastic pink flamingos. Such person must be willing to operate independently without making the slightest mistake, maintain the highest moral and ethical standards, and perform his or her duties for free.

Sarah Horne, the English gardener

Upon Googling "English gardener," I came upon this nice lady, Sarah Horne. She has a website called  "The English Gardener," so I think she would be perfect. Trained in horticulture at the prestigious Royal Botanical Gardens in Kew, London, she now resides in Charlottesville, Virginia, where she designs lovely gardens for people on this side of the pond. While I can't offer her any pay, I am willing to clear out a space in my garage to provide suitable accommodations.

Won't one of you help out Grumpy in his hour of need?

A trowel & bottle-opener. Planting things is thirsty work. Every English gardener I watch popping out poppies and putting in petunias looks worn and bedraggled by day's end. I hope to never experience this, which is why I would like to receive this ingenious combination Dutch trowel and bottle-opener from the Telegraph Garden Shop in Surrey, England. As Grumpy can freely attest, trowels and bottle-openers rank 1-2 in usefulness to gardeners around the world. Nothing instills more enthusiasm for beautiful plants than the opportunity to down 3-4 beers while surrounded by them.

The current price for this handy tool is 19 pounds or about $30. That may seem at little expensive, I know, but don't despair. Due to the ongoing European debt crisis, the British pound should crash at any minute, and then you can send me two.

A climate-controlled garden dome. What gardener couldn't use one of these? You can have summer in winter and fall in spring if you want to. I searched around a while until I found the perfect model -- the Climatron at the Missouri Botanical Garden in St. Louis. The first geodesic garden dome to incorporate the mathematical principles of the visionary Buckminster Fuller, it stands 70 feet tall in the center, so I can grow my beloved macadamia trees, and it encloses more than half an acre -- more than enough space for my veggie garden, putting green, orangery, spa, massage table, keg center, serpent house, model trains, and chicken coop.

Of course, maintaining such an advanced garden demands a skilled staff, which is why an English gardener is so important. Hey, I know times are tough out there, which is why you must prioritize. What is more important? Ending world hunger or helping Grumpy maintain the lavish, carefree lifestyle he so richly deserves?

I am confident you will choose wisely.

It's that favorite time of year when the air grows crisp, wreaths and Christmas lights appear, families gather together as one, and folks gripe about their stupid plants.

"My stinking hydrangea won't bloom." "Do I have to prune my crummy crepe myrtle?" "Will moldy, 10-year-old bulbs I found in the garage still grow?" "My lousy pet badgers keep killing my grass." 

Fortunately, the Grump knows all and is here to alleviate your stress. The following answers to questions affecting commonly grown plants are 101% guaranteed correct or your whiskey back.

Lilac 'Old Glory'

Lilacs Dying!

Question: "Several branches and trunks of my lilacs have started dying. I found small holes in the trunks and surmised they might have borers. My local garden center recommended spraying with insecticidal soap. What is your advice?"

Answer: Lilac borers are the larvae of clearwing moths that look like small wasps. The larvae bore into the trunks, tunnel around, and feed. Once inside, contact insecticides such as insecticidal soap are useless. What you need to do is apply an insecticide labeled for borers to the trunks in spring. Begin in mi-April and reapply 3 to 4 times at 3-week intervals. Be sure to follow label directions. If any of the trunks die, prune them off now and throw them out or burn them. 

Bulbs Already Sprouting! 

Question: "I planted daffodils, grape hyacinths, and crocus a few weeks ago and they're already sending up foliage! I don't want to lose these bulbs. Please tell me how to save them."

Answer: Chill. No, not the bulbs, you. A number of bulbs, including grape hyacinths, spider lilies, and some kinds of daffodils, usually send up leaves in fall that stay all winter. Your bulbs will be just fine.

Bearded Iris Languishing!

Question: "I have bearded iris that don't bloom. My soil is acidic and clay. Will adding lime help?"

Answer: It may, but it may not. Before liming, make sure your iris are growing in full sun and well-drained soil that contains lots of organic matter, such as chopped leaves, ground bark, composted manure, and peat moss. If your plants don't have this, now is a good time to transplant them to a better spot. Plant them so the tops of the fleshy roots -- rhizomes -- are just barely beneath the soil surface. Feed them with bulb fertilizer in spring as soon as new growth starts.  

Crepe Myrtles Looking Seedy!

Question: I want my crepe myrtles to grow into large trees, so it seems logical not to trim seed pods each year. Would it be better to let nature take its course?

Answer: There is no reason to prune off the old seed pods. Grumpy never prunes off his and, as you are well aware, Grumpy always does the correct thing.

Nearly nekkid Bradford pear

Bradford Pear Getting Nekkid!

Question: Last fall, our Bradford pear lost its leaves earlier than usual and then this spring had only about 25% flowers and foliage. The arborist ruled out fire blight. Can this tree be saved or should we have someone cut it down?

Answer: Any number of things could cause this, from borers to herbicides applied to the lawn. The thing is, Grumpy thinks the tree is doing you a favor. Cut it down now and plant something else. Bradford pear is notoriously weak-wooded. It will easily get twice as big as it is now and then the first big windstorm will split it in half. Plus, you won't be able to grow grass beneath it due to the dense shade. If it were me, I'd plant a dogwood, flowering cherry, redbud, or saucer magnolia.

Hydrangea Not Blooming!

Question: "I bought a dwarf pink hydrangea in 2003. It has grown into a lovely 4' x 4' shrub, but never blooms. It gets early morning sun. Any suggestions?"

Answer: There could be a couple of reasons. First, maybe it doesn't get enough sun. More sun means more flowers. Second, cold winters or late spring frosts could be killing the flower buds, which aren't as hardy as leaf buds. Hydrangeas that bloom on new growth, such as 'Endless Summer,' 'All Summer Beauty,' 'Forever & Ever,' and 'Mini-Penny,' don't have this problem, because if flower buds formed last fall are killed, the plants still produce new flower buds in spring.

Grumpy's whacked azaleas

Azaleas Need Pruning!

Question: "We have mature azaleas in our front yard which, sadly, are pruned in such a manner that they look like giant pompoms. I would love to cut them back to let them grow more free-form. Is this wise or practical? "

Answer: Don't worry. Here's what to do. After the azaleas finish blooming next spring, cut them back as far as you want. You can even cut them back to leafless stubs. That's what Grumpy did with his overgrown azaleas this year. They looked pretty ugly for a couple of weeks, but then the stubs leafed out, the plants grew like mad, and now you'd never know they were pruned.

I don't review many books, because that makes me read them and consequently fill my head with facts that interfere with my established and inevitably correct opinions. However, in the case of the book you see below, I am making an exception for two reasons.

First, I have known the author for many years and he still has never mentioned my unfortunate traffic violation in 1987 that resulted in the tragic loss of his entire Japanese maple collection. (It's illegal to drive backwards in the dark across the University of Georgia campus? Who knew?) Second, this book about trees and shrubs belongs on the bookshelf of all serious gardeners and those who aspire to be.  

At 951 pages and the approximate density of a neutron star, Dirr's Encyclopedia of Trees & Shrubs defines the word "tome." Just carting it around every day keeps my massive guns in shape. I need it every day because it's the indispensable reference work, stuffed with descriptions of more than 380 genera and 3,700 species and cultivars, as well as 3,500 color photographs. Though Grumpy uses it to confirm what he already knows, you'll find it to be the best new book around for identifying ornamental trees and shrubs and learning how to grow them.

Meet Dr. Mike

He doesn't look a day over 80, but Dr. Mike Dirr has been a horticultural luminary since the Grump was a horticulture student in college. Mike's incredibly sexy-sounding Manual of Woody Landscape Plants, written when he was a young horticulture professor at the University of Illinois, quickly became a personal favorite and launched his career into the stratosphere, selling more than 500,000 copies. That's a lot of copies for a horticultural reference book. American Idol legend Justin Guarini would die for those numbers. Mike then moved on to the University of Georgia, where his research introduced many new plants, such as 'Endless Summer' hydrangea, to American gardens.

Pretty Photos, Less Technical

How would Grumpy compare Dr. Dirr's two monumental works? Well, Manual of Woody Landscape Plants is geared towards academics, serious gardeners, and the landscape industry with detailed descriptions of plant genera and characteristics. It has also provided me with some of the classic pick-up lines of all time, such as: "You have imbricate, plump buds resembling Norway maple." And: "I have always been drawn to unisexual, apetalous flowers with minute calyces."  

Dirr's Encyclopedia of Trees & Shrubs leaves behind much of the jargon, making it friendlier to the average gardener. More importantly, it features beautiful photos rather than illustrations and nothing can supplant a good photo.

One thing that hasn't changed is Mike's honesty when it comes to evaluating plants for the home landscape. For example, he calls Chinese privet "a terrible and devastating escapee that terrorizes floodplains, fencerows, and even open fields reducing native vegetation to rubble." And: "In all my traveling and consulting work, I have never recommended, at least while conscious, a poplar." 

Published by Timber Press, Dirr's Encyclopedia of Trees & Shrubs lists for $79.95 hardcover. If that seems like a lot, Timber Press is giving away a copy this week. All you have to do to become eligible is click on the following link and leave a comment on their blog by this Friday: Free Huge Book! Yippee!

After learning of our family's plans to smoke a turkey for this Thanksgiving, literally thousands of you demanded that we show you how. So here's how the Benders do it step-by-step. (Drama is already building. Can you feel it?

Step 1.  Day Before Thanksgiving. Kill turkey. Remove all extraneous appendages. Obviously, this turkey was a gobbler.

Step 2. Place dead turkey in 5-gallon bucket. I styled this shot myself. Red is a festive color.

Step 3. Completely immerse turkey in brine solution consisting of cool water, kosher salt, brown sugar, fresh rosemary, sage, thyme, and peppercorns. Place bucket in refrigerator for 24 hours.

Step 4. Thanksgiving Day. Pour off brine solution and thoroughly rinse turkey. Place turkey seasoning, butter, and Granny Smith apple slices under turkey skin.

Step 5. That was exhausting! Relax and drink beer.

Step 6. Start grill. Smoke turkey using apple wood and sugar maple chips until internal temperature reaches 65 degrees. This is extremely important!

Step 7. Watch football and drink beer. That Suh guy on the Lions is a nut job.

Step 8. It's halftime! Time to stretch our legs. I exercise every Thanksgiving. You should too.

Step 9. Second half. Turkey still smoking. Wow, what a play!

Step 10. At last, Thanksgiving dinner is served! Let's dig in!

Step 11. Oh wait! Did I say 65 degrees? I meant to say cook the turkey until its internal temperature reaches 165 degrees. My bad! Sorry, son.

Step 12. Escape to Man Cave to watch rest of game. Ravens rule, 16-6! What a great Thanksgiving!