For tonight, what’s happening on TV is a lot more compelling than what’s happening in my garden.

For years, I’d been an “American Idol” addict. Saw Reuben crowned, saw Daughtry totally ripped off, saw Carrie prove that she’s more wholesome than mac & cheese served in a convent.

What Were They Thinking?But then those evil puppet masters of network programming did the unspeakable. They scheduled “Idol” to appear on Tuesday night opposite Discovery’s “The Deadliest Catch.”

This is like telling me I have a choice of one food to eat for the rest of my life – Death by Chocolate ice cream or a big, juicy, medium-rare, Black Angus ribeye. No human should have to make such a choice.

Smell the Testosterone
Now, some ladies out there may be unfamiliar with “The Deadliest Catch.” It is a man’s show, after all, which is why the Grump looks forward to it each week with the fervor of a starving pet goldfish awaiting his food pellets. As narrator Mike Rowe solemnly intones each week in his manly, masculine baritone voice, TDC is a reality show centered on, “The vast Bering Sea. Over a million square miles of the most violent and unpredictable waters on Earth. And home to the deadliest catch – Alaskan crab.” At this moment, if you stick your nose up to the TV, you can smell testosterone oozing right through the screen.

The Four Norsemen
The show chronicles the exploits of four crab boats and four captains – Sig Hansen, Phil Harris, Johnathan Hillstrand, and Keith Colburn – as they tackle monstrous waves and freezing water to catch highly lucrative Alaskan king crab. I actually worry about these guys. When Phil’s crab pots all came up empty last week, I though I might cry. Still, there’s no way I’d want to be in their shoes. Everyone on the boat is always cold and wet, they work 36 hours at a time, they smoke Camels faster than Camel can make them, and drink Red Bull like it’s mother’s milk. Worst of all, the way I figure it, each boat has only one toilet.

On the Horns of a Dilemma
What show should I watch this week? I used to watch “Deadliest Catch” and turn to “Idol” during the commercials. That way, I could get a sense of what was going on while missing most of Paula’s mindless babbling. But it’s crunch-time on “Idol” now. That talentless Sideshow Bob lookalike Jason Castro got voted off last week for butchering “Mr. Tambourine Man” (Honestly, how hard is it to remember “in the jingle-jangle morning, I’ll come following you?” It’s not like we asked him to sing, “The Star Spangled Banner.”)

So we’re down to three contestants – David Cook (the most talented), David Archuleta (so incredibly cute, nice, and wholesome he makes Carrie Underwood seem evil incarnate by comparison), and Syesha Mercado, who will get voted off tomorrow night. Which of the Davids will choke? The tension is unbearable.

On the other hand, will Captain Sig sink? Will Captain Phil’s mercurial blood pressure create an aneurysm as big as a cod? Will Captain Johnathan rise above the pressure and remember all the words to “Mr. Tambourine Man?”

Grumpians, the decision rests with you. Which show should I watch?