Posted by: By Steve Bender, July 24, 2009 in Humor
The vast Bering Sea. Over a million square miles of the most violent and unpredictable waters on Earth. And home to the deadliest kvetch -- the Grumpy Gardener.
After spending every waking minute pondering, agonizing over, and ultimately providing correct and brilliant answers to your questions, the Grump has grown even grumpier. He needs a break. So for the next two weeks,, he will be taking a much-deserved vacation with his family on an Alaskan cruise. But while Judy and Brian waste their time at the midnight buffet, heated pools, Broadway shows, and other such tripe, you will be heartened to know that the Grump will be engaged in a variety of very manly pursuits.
Specifically, I have hired one of the captains of my favorite TV show, "The Deadliest Catch," to take me aboard as a greenhorn deckhand. We'll brave 40-degree waters, towering waves, crippling ice, and me puking my guts out as we pursue Alaska's most elusive beast -- Sarah Palin's thought process.
Ahh! Danosaurs!!
Internet connections up there are pretty shaky, so be patient if I don't answer your gardening questions until I return. If I can, I'll to try to post updates about my adventures.
Oh yes, one last thing. If you hear about a man mysteriously disappearing overboard during a Holland America Alaskan cruise and his wife collecting on a million-dollar insurance policy, please alert the authorities.
P.S. In case you don't know what "kvetch" means, click here and you'll understand.
Posted by: By Steve Bender, July 22, 2009 in Private Gardens
I know it goes against my nature and reputation, but the Grump would like to take a moment to thank some fine people for showing him their gardens during my recent trip to North Carolina.
First, I'd like to thank garden scout/designer/promoter/guru Helen Yoest, who authors the excellent blog, Gardening With Confidence. Helen showed me some very nice gardens in the Raleigh-Cary area, all for the price of lunch and a bottle of wine. Believe me. I got the better of the deal. She has a great garden of her own and can tell you everything you ought to be doing in your garden and when. I ripped off her photo from her blog. If you don't like it, Helen, feel free to sue.
One garden Helen showed me was Rose Cottage, the home of Jim and Sharon Bright. Boy, do these people work! They're meticulous, too -- I think Jim edges the grass with a laser. They have a narrow, deep lot in an older section of Raleigh that's just loaded with personality and charm. Here's a shot of the rear garden looking back towards the house.
They've designed this section around a set of brick walks and parterres with a gazing ball (foreground) and fountain (background) as focal points. 'Wave' petunias, fanflower (Scaevola), angelonia, phlox, and roses are just a few of the flowering plants that provide knockout color. What's neat about what they've done is combining the freedom of a cottage garden planting with the formality of the parterres.
Here's a shot looking out from the house. Pretty nice, huh? As you can see, the neighbors aren't far away, but the fence and plantings give lots of privacy.
Walk past the arbor on the left and you come to this -- a beautiful, little vegetable garden and potting shed. Inside the shed, there's not a molecule out of place. Jim and Sharon are better organized than the UAW.
Rose Cottage is going to be on garden tours this fall, many of which Helen organizes. So if you're in Raleigh at the right time and want to see it, check her blog for info. As for you other garden writers who will want to do stories on it --- ha ha, Southern Living has already photographed it! Eat our mulch!
Additional Thanks
The Grump extends his deepest appreciation to Jere Stevens in Cary, who helped us photograph a neighbor's garden up the street. She also showed us her wonderful garden, pictured above. As Arnold would say, "I''ll be back."
Finally, a big shout-out to fellow blogger Freda Cameron of Defining Your Home Garden. Her garden, which we'll feature in SL next year, is designed around colorful plants that deer won't eat. One big winner -- Agastache, also known as anise hyssop. There were lots of different kinds and colors in full bloom when we were there. Why don't I show them to you now? Because I'm in danger of becoming too nice and I just can't let that happen.
Posted by: By Steve Bender, July 19, 2009 in Food and Drink
, Humor
What are your limits when it comes to food? Is there anything you just won't eat?
The reason I'm asking is that mondo Southern Living garden photographer Ralph Anderson and I recently ate breakfast at the North Carolina State Farmer's Market in Raleigh. I had a garden omelet. Ralph ate brains and eggs.
That's right. Brains and eggs. Pig brains, to be exact. And that's where I draw the line.
I guess I could never be English, because I refuse to eat organ food. No kidneys, no pancreas, no liver, and especially no brains. They look nasty, they're not good for you (liver is full of toxins it filters out of whatever animal it came from), but most of all, eating them is just not right.
I mean, how can you eat a pig's brain? That's what he used to recognize his mama. That's what he used to dream of freedom and justice. That's what he used when he became the first pig in history to decide the Earth was round, not flat, that U-2 is still the world's greatest band, and that a certain plant holds the cure for cancer -- right before he was slaughtered.
Besides, brains and eggs look horrible on a plate. When the waitress set it down, the first thing I thought of was that my cat had just gotten sick.
So spare me the organ food, Ralph. Next time when we travel, we're gonna eat parts of animals that are meant to be consumed -- lips. snouts, jowls, tails, and feet.
Posted by: By Steve Bender, July 16, 2009 in Bulbs
Think summer flowers for shade and what comes to mind? Impatiens? Impatiens? More Impatiens? Well, here's a nifty flower I really like that you've probably never heard of. It blooms all summer and for many of us, it comes back year after year.
It's called Achimenes 'Purple King.' Wonder how to pronounce it? OK, I'll help you. PURR-PULL KING.
Oh, it's firstword you're having trouble with. Sorry. That's pronounced UH-KIM-EN-EES. There are many different kinds, native to the tropics, and they're related to African violets and gloxinias. Where we live, most aren't very cold-hardy and are relegated to growing in hanging baskets and containers. But 'Purple King' is hardy to 0 degrees -- which means many of us can grow it in the ground.
These have been growing in a little square planting bed outside of our lobby at Southern Living for years. (No doubt any co-workers reading this will feel ashamed for never asking me what they are. Ignorance is bliss.) The plant grows about 6 inches high and has trailing stems. Showy, blue-violet flowers, about 1-2 inches wide, appear atop handsome, glossy, burgundy-green foliage. They remind me of the blooms of Mexican petunia (Ruellia).
How to Grow
'Purple King' grows from a rhizome that you plant in fall or spring. It's late to sprout in spring, sometimes as late as May, so don't give up on it too early. It likes moist, well-drained soil and shade. Don't plant it where the soil stays wet in winter. If the plant is not hardy where you live, dig and store the rhizomes over winter in a cool, dry place and replant it spring.
Where to Get It
Although in truth the Grump is the only person alive who really "gets it," you can obtain this fine perennial from Plant Delights.
Posted by: By Steve Bender, July 10, 2009 in Question of the Week
, Trees and Shrubs
, You Ask, I Answer
Crepe myrtles are hot right now. In fact, no subject is of more interest to Southerners this summer than the non-stop coverage of Michael Jackson. (FYI, before the funeral, the family rejected embalming MJ, as that would be redundant.)
Thus, the ever-generous, all-caring Grump will answer 10 of the most common questions about crepe myrtles directed his way every week.
1. What does crepe myrtle need to grow well and bloom?
Answer -- Lots of sun, well-drained soil, and extended summer heat. After suffering for so many years from hearing about how great gardening is in England, I am gratified to know that crepe myrtle hates it there. The summers aren't sufficiently long and hot.
Winter cold is another consideration for you people up north. Although some selections, such as 'Acoma' (white), 'Centennial Spirit' (dark red), 'Comanche' (coral pink), 'Hopi' (medium pink), 'Yuma' (lavender), and 'Zuni' (lavender), are reputed to withstand temperatures below zero, if zero temps are common where you live, I wouldn't plant crepe myrtle. It does best in Zones 7, 8, and 9. Instead, plant 'Pink Diamond' or 'Tardiva' hydrangea. (Both are selections of summer-flowering Hydrangea paniculata.)
2. When is a good time to plant crepe myrtle?
Answer -- When the plant is dormant, either in fall, winter (where winters are mild), or early spring. Of course, you can plant a crepe myrtle grown in a container in summer too, as long as you water it frequently to keep it from wilting. Once it's established, it's quite drought-tolerant.
3. When should I prune crepe myrtle?
Answer -- Late winter is the best time for two reasons. One, the plant has no leaves, so you can easily see all the branches and which ones need removing. Two, crepe myrtle blooms on new growth. Pruning in winter won't reduce summer blooming.
Having said that, you can produce a second major flush of blooms on most crepe myrtles by pruning off the round, green seed pods that form just after the first flowers fade. The second flush won't be quite as showy, but you'll like it nonetheless.
4. What is "crepe murder?"
Answer -- Crepe murder is the odious practice of using saws and loppers to cut down a crepe myrtle into thick, ugly stubs, usually performed on an early spring weekend by bored husbands seeking to justify their existence to women. This ruins the natural form of the plant, produces weak spindly branches too weak to hold up the flowers, and prevents the formation of the beautiful, smooth, mottled bark that looks so pretty in winter.
Answer -- Hershey's Dark Chocolate. Nah, just kidding. Actually, it's black mold growing on the sticky honeydew produced by sucking insects, usually aphids. Get rid of the aphids and you'll have no mold. Spray according to label directions with an environmentally friendly product, such as refined horticultural oil on insecticidal soap (make sure to wet the undersides of the leaves), or a systemic insecticide that's absorbed into the leaves, such as Ortho Max Tree & Shrub Insect Control.
6. White that's white stuff all over the leaves and flower buds?
Answer -- Powdery mildew, a fungus that likes warm, humid weather. Many older types of crepe myrtle are highly susceptible. The fungus distorts the foliage and often ruins the flower buds. While you can prevent powdery mildew by spraying according to label directions with a fungicide such as Daconil or Immunox or even with refined horticultural oil, you're better off buying a mildew-resistant selection, such as 'Natchez,' 'Miami,' 'Sioux,' 'Dynamite,' and 'Biloxi.' Look for this on the plant label.
7. Why doesn't my healthy crepe myrtle bloom?
Answer -- Could be lots of reasons. Maybe it doesn't get enough sun. Maybe powdery mildew ruined the blooms. Maybe Japanese beetles ate it. Maybe it just needs a few more years to grow. Maybe you're in a drought. A crepe myrtle will often go dormant during a very dry summer with flower buds ready to pop. They'll only pop when the plant gets some water, either from rain or from you.
8. What are some crepe myrtles that don't get so tall?
Answer -- One way to avoid crepe murder is to select varieties that don't need pruning. Small ones (5-10 feet) include 'Acoma,' (white), 'Hopi' (pink), 'Tonto' (red), and 'Zuni' (lavender). Dwarf types (3-5 feet) include 'Centennial' (purple), 'Petite' (various colors), 'Razzle Dazzle' (various colors), 'Pocomoke' (rose-pink), and 'Victor' (deep red).
Answer -- It never ceases to amaze me how many people think this spelling is the most significant issue facing the world today. I spell it with an "e" because the crinkled flowers remind me of crepe. If you want to spell it "crape," go ahead -- on your own blog.
Posted by: By Steve Bender, July 4, 2009 in Lawn and Ground Cover
I hate watering plants. The way I see it, if any plant can't naturally survive 6 weeks without rain, it shouldn't be here to begin with. Survival of the fittest, baby.
And of all the things I hate to water, watering the grass is numero uno and for very logical and well-considered reasons. (This is standard for the Grump.)
1. Unless you are filling a swimming pool or hosing down a pod of beaches whales (curiously enough, this happens to me all the time), watering the lawn takes more water than anything else in your yard.
2. You almost cannot buy a new house today that doesn't come with in-ground sprinklers. Nothing encourages more waste of water than sprinkler systems. From my unimpeachable observations, many people don't even know if their systems are doing the job. They have them come on automatically, whether it's raining or not, at 4 AM every morning to water for 20 minutes. This is so stupid. For one thing, it turns otherwise self-sufficient lawns into water junkies that go through withdrawal unless they get their daily water fix. Watering the grass frequently at night makes it more susceptible to disease. And lots of people don't know if their systems even work properly. I can't tell you how many sprinklers I've seen spraying water only on the street.
Here in Birmingham, Alabama, we usually get plenty of rain (54 inches a year average, although a lot of that comes in tropical storms and hurricanes). Each year, my goal is to never have to water my Bermuda grass lawn even once. I made it last year. But this year, after a very rainy spring, it hasn't rained a drop in more than three stinkin' weeks. Things are turning brown.
No Water Secret Revealed!
So how does the Grump avoid loathsome lawn watering when it just won't rain? Simple. I refuse to cut the grass until it rains two days in a row.
How come? Because if I cut it in the summer heat, it immediately turns brown. This means my wife yells at me about the ugly lawn, so I have to water it to turn it green again. Then it needs mowing, so I mow it and it turns brown, and the whole cycle repeats ad nauseum, just like Oprah's dieting.
A Necessary Sacrifice
There are, of course, consequences of such a radical course. The most obvious is that the unmown grass, though lush and green, grows very tall. So far, I have lost several family members in the front lawn. They went out to get the mail and never returned.
But if it means saving the planet and conserving our natural resources, that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.
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