Feeling guilty about killing a plant? Play this video and feel better right away!

Yep, it's me! That's actually the way I look and sound. Now you know why my wife puts in her ear plugs and watches Netflix on her computer as soon as I walk in the door.

This video was actually shot as part of a bigger video to introduce Southern Living's new look that begins with the October issue. I'll post a link to that at the end of this. For that video, I talked for about an hour and they cut me to about 5 seconds. I guess that's all of me America can take.

You'll see a number of our other editors all dolled up and talking about the new look and content for their particular sections of Southern Living. Actually, getting made up for this was the most fun part. I mean, I'd almost forgotten how to put on mascara (those Alice Cooper concerts from high school still haunt me).

To prepare for my big moment, I go downstairs to the studio where they'll be filming us and get immediately introduced to this pretty, young makeup artist who's going to make me look presentable. She takes one look at me and asks, "Would you like some bangs?"

I think: "Like with a paddle? OK. I have been rather naughty lately."

But she's talking about my hair. So she puts some goop on it, fiddles around, and all of a sudden, I have bangs. Cool.

Next, she has to work on my face. That's like taming Andy Rooney's eyebrows. "I just need to even out your skin tones," she says.

"I have more than one skin tone?" I think. "It doesn't say that on my driver's license."

So she smears all this flesh-colored slush on my face that I suppose is actually made from real flesh (is that safe?). Then she brushes powder all over my forehead, nose, and cheeks to create the illusion that I'm either alive or dead. Don't know which.

Finally, she turns to my gorgeous blue eyes that take on this strange reddish cast every morning. She carefully traces eyeliner on the edges of my eyelids. "Whatever you do, don't look down," she says as she works. A tarantula must be crawling up my leg. She then  foofs this black stuff up and down on my eyelashes. Satisfied, she announces, "Now your eyes actually show up."

No wonder they called me "Squinty" as a kid.

Now I'm ready for my debut on camera. I sit down on a wooden stool, gaze at the camera, and try not to let on that the lights are searing my retinas. But the director quickly spots this. "Can you take off your glasses?" he asks. "They're reflecting into the camera."

I obsequiously obey.

Ever hear the expression "working blind?" Well, from that moment on, that was me. The camera, the director, and even the set were just a blur. I bet this is how Britney Spears sees the world every day.

So play the video, watch me blinking wildly as I try to focus on not only what I'm talking about, but where-the-hell-I-am. Then click on this link and see how many seconds they gave me on the official Southern Living video: Our New Look. 

You hate voles. You hate moles. You hate gophers too. And with good reason. They chew up your plants and burrow through your lawn. And there isn't much you can do to stop them. Until now. Play this video and you'll understand why that instead of getting mad, it's better to get even.

Did you notice the gleam of joy in Mr. Meyer's eyes as he talked of blowing these little critters into the Great Beyond? Admit it -- many of you feel just like him. Especially if you grow hostas, tulips, vegetables, perennials, and other plants that these stinking critters routinely gulp down without the slightest remorse.

Now the Grump admits this is an extreme solution and he is not recommending it to anyone. So don't blame me if you accidentally blow up your gas lines and your house. Or set fire to the woods or cause a 4.6 earthquake. Or if someone sneaks a video of you blasting away to Homeland Security and the Feds pay you a call. You have to decide just how much you loathe these varmints and to what lengths you'd go to in defense of your darling plants.

Mr. Meyer, you missed your calling. You should have starred in "Apocalypse Now." I can just see you surveying the land and uttering those immortal words: "I love the smell of propane in the morning."

Grumpians, everyone wants to do their part in helping to save the planet. That includes turning garden waste into compost to keep it out of landfills. But how do you know when the compost is ready to go into the garden? Play this informative video and find out! 

Well, I hope that answered all your questions.

On a related note note, Shelly from Buffalo, Wyoming writes: "Last year I had wonderful beets, carrots, onions, beans, zucs, and corn. My garden has not grown well this year. My husband added several bags of tree leaves to it this spring. I think it has too much acid, I don’t know what kind of leaves he used. How do I correct this?"

Grumpy replies: Greetings Shelly, oh ye of very cold winters and beautiful mountains.
 
The Grump has spent little time in your state, but what time he has, he has thoroughly enjoyed.
 
Good gardening in Wyoming, as it does in every state, starts with good soil. I think your soil is naturally alkaline, so I doubt adding a few bags of leaves to it would turn it acid. It might not cause any reaction at all. Essentially, what you have to do is build good soil and your plants should thrive. Work in as much organic matter -- chopped leaves, peat moss, composted manure, grass clippings, ground bark, and garden compost -- as you can. It's nearly impossible to add too much, so do this every year. Organic matter loosens soil, improves aeration and drainage, and stores and provides nutrients. It can also be quite tasty, as you've just seen.

Here's another fascinating question about enriching soil from Brandy in the Texas Hill Country:

"I have a circular area about 8 foot in diameter that I want to raise by tilling in additional native soil that I already have available and then adding 8 inches of organic compost. I would also like to add cottonseed meal, lava sand, and earthworm castings (at their recommended rates on pkg.) Is this too much organic fertilizer? I intend on seeding this bed with annual and perennial seeds that grow well in my area, then possibly adding one or two small perennials plants to the bed as well. My local nursery suggested using "Plant-tone" as an organic, all-purpose plant food. Is all of this too much??"

Grumpy repIies: think your plan is OK as long as you till in everything well. Plant-tone is a good, slow-release, organic fertilizer, as are cottonseed meal and worm castings. Lava sand, however, is not organic nor is it a fertilizer. It is at most a soil conditioner. Contrary to what some people in Texas claim, it is not a miracle additive, does not store or release any nutrients, and does not add any magical qualities to the soil. Those who claim it does are dealing in pseudoscience, the same kind of stuff you see in informercials on TV. Here's an interesting commentary on it:  http://froebuck.home.texas.net/toppage8.htm. I'm not saying don't use it. Just don't fall for the hype. Organic matter will do much more for your plants than lava sand.

That's a lesson I learned the hard way when I ran out of beer and hopped on my riding mower to go fetch some more. Please learn from my mistake. Click on the arrow.

Now I know what you're gonna say -- I should have knowed better than to drive down the road on a mower without proper tags and with an open container in my vee-HICK-el. But you don't live with my wife, Rhonda. When she wants a beer, you best get her one.

After the state took away my mower license and made me attend those riding mower safety classes, I can see the error of my ways. But shoot, after getting sprayed in the face by that officer, I'm happy to see just about anything.

Here are three lessons I learned from this that you can learn from too:

1. Don't drink and mow.

2. Know your rights.

3. Sometimes it's better to just get stabbed in the face.