OK, how many times have you heard people say something like this? "Be sure to keep poinsettias away from children and pets, because they might eat the leaves and get poisoned."

Poinsettia or Poison? Hold Me, I'm Scared!

Poinsettias are NOT poisonous. The milky sap might not look appetizing (which is why very few sentient people would actually eat the leaves), but it won't kill you. In fact, according to Poinsettias: Myth & Legend by Christine Anderson & Terry Tischer, you could eat 500 leaves and the worst you would suffer is a tummy ache. That's nothing compared to the suffering of the poor plant that donated the leaves.

Look, I'm not suggesting adding poinsettia leaves to your mesclun salad, but there are far more toxic plants around your house and garden (dieffenbachia, angel's trumpet, Chinaberry, castor bean, mountain laurel, rhododendron, hydrangea, Japanese yew, oleander) and you don't give those a second thought.

No one has ever died from eating a poinsettia. The KGB has never bumped off an enemy agent by giving him a poinsettia. So stop spreading this stupid myth! And while you're at it, stop repeating that Tiger Woods was raised by tigers in the woods! (He was raised by a very nice panda.)

Are you looking for a plant with stunning flowers and handsome foliage that's easy to grow and only a total idiot could kill? Then you want a nun's orchid.

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Do you feel guilty when pretty flowers die? Then primroses might be the plants for you. Like super-novae, their magnificent blooms burn brightly for a short time. Then when the weather warms, most kinds die. And since you can't prevent it, there's nothing to feel bad about.

If you can't kill it in the office, you can't kill it at home. And that's why it doesn't matter whether you know a philodendron from a Philly cheese-steak. You can grow a ZZ plant.

We all know plants produce oxygen, but thrusting my nose into a philodendron never felt refreshing. Well, last weekend I experienced my first oxygen bar and sucked in so much of this life-giving gas that my body threatens to spontaneously combust.

I, along with Southern Living colleagues Gene Bussell and Rebecca Reed, were attending the Tropical Plant Industry Exhibition (TPIE) at Ft. Lauderdale, Florida. It's about the best place in the country to go to see amazing displays of flowering and foliage tropical plants and learn about the hot new plants. In later posts, I'll tell you more about the sensational plants I saw -- bromeliads, succulents, orchids, Tillandsias (yes, I know they're bromeliads too), acres of anthuriums, and a variegated spineless pineapple -- but first want to let you in on a novel GREEN program called "O2 for You."

photo: "I'm not dying. I'm just gaining focus." SB

If you keep only one holiday plant this year, make it Christmas cactus. Here's one of mine that I've had for five years. Its flowers are magenta, but you can also get kinds with red, orange, pink, coral, purple, or white flowers. This plant blooms every year, is easy to care for, will live forever provided I don't water it with bleach, and it's cheap.

I call it a Christmas cactus, but it always starts blooming around Thanksgiving and flowers for 2-3 weeks. Maybe that's because it's really a Thanksgiving cactus (Schlumbergera truncata), rather than the better-known Christmas cactus (S. x buckleyi). Other than the difference in blooming times, it's hard to tell the two apart. The telltale sign, supposedly, is that the former has two large teeth (leafy teeth, not shark's teeth) on the tip of the last joint on each branch, while the latter doesn't. Hybridization between the two has blurred the lines, so let's be practical. If it blooms at Thanksgiving, it's a Thanksgiving cactus. If it blooms at Christmas, it's a Christmas cactus. If it blooms for the Fourth of July, you live in Australia.

How to Grow                                                                                                                                    

These plants are easy, easy, easy. (Even you can grow them, Jeff.) Here's all you need to know.

Light -- From spring until fall, give them light shade all day. No direct sun, not even in morning. How do I know this? Because I left my plants on my deck this summer where they got morning sun and afternoon shade. Trouble is, even morning sun is too hot in summer. It scalds them and they drop branch segments. Now I leave them in the light shade all-day shade of my screened porch. They love it. Once you bring them inside for winter, put them in a bright window.

Soil -- Good drainage is an absolute must. I don't think you need to send off Kazakhstan for some arcane potting soil. Ordinary potting soil is OK as along as it does two things -- holds enough moisture to keep the leaves plump and also drains excess water away quickly.

Water -- Take it easy on the water. From spring to fall, let them go somewhat dry between waterings. Watering once or twice a week is plenty. Don't let plants sit in saucers filled with water. Plants with flower buds or flowers are a different matter, however. Keep the soil moist (never soggy) during blooming or the buds and flowers may fall off.

Fertilizer -- Take it easy on fertilizer too. These plants aren't heavy feeders. From spring to fall, feed maybe once a month with liquid 20-20-20. Don't feed at all in winter. Don't you wish you could treat your spouse's relatives the same way?

The Must-Know Secret to Blooming -- Like poinsettia and kalanchoe, Christmas and Thanksgiving cactus need short days and long nights to set flower buds. If you live where falls are mild, like I do, this is easy. Just leave you plants outside where there isn't an outside light. I leave mine on my screened porch. By the beginning of November (as long as you protect them from frost), they'll start forming flower buds. If your falls are too cold to leave them outside, bring them inside to a bright window where you don't turn on inside lights after dark. Cool temperatures (65 degrees and lower) will prolong the blooming.

Where to Buy -- Any local garden center, home center, greenhouse. Choose a color you like. You'd better like it, because you'll be seeing it during the holidays for the rest of your life.