I hate watering plants. The way I see it, if any plant can't naturally survive 6 weeks without rain, it shouldn't be here to begin with. Survival of the fittest, baby.

And of all the things I hate to water, watering the grass is numero uno and for very logical and well-considered reasons. (This is standard for the Grump.) 

1. Unless you are filling a swimming pool or hosing down a pod of beaches whales (curiously enough, this happens to me all the time), watering the lawn takes more water than anything else in your yard.

2. You almost cannot buy a new house today that doesn't come with in-ground sprinklers. Nothing encourages more waste of water than sprinkler systems. From my unimpeachable observations, many people don't even know if their systems are doing the job. They have them come on automatically, whether it's raining or not, at 4 AM every morning to water for 20 minutes. This is so stupid. For one thing, it turns otherwise self-sufficient lawns into water junkies that go through withdrawal unless they get their daily water fix. Watering the grass frequently at night makes it more susceptible to disease. And lots of people don't know if their systems even work properly. I can't tell you how many sprinklers I've seen spraying water only on the street.

Here in Birmingham, Alabama, we usually get plenty of rain (54 inches a year average, although a lot of that comes in tropical storms and hurricanes). Each year, my goal is to never have to water my Bermuda grass lawn even once. I made it last year. But this year, after a very rainy spring, it hasn't rained a drop in more than three stinkin' weeks. Things are turning brown.

No Water Secret Revealed!

So how does the Grump avoid loathsome lawn watering when it just won't rain? Simple. I refuse to cut the grass until it rains two days in a row.

How come? Because if I cut it in the summer heat, it immediately turns brown. This means my wife yells at me about the ugly lawn, so I have to water it to turn it green again. Then it needs mowing, so I mow it and it turns brown, and the whole cycle repeats ad nauseum, just like Oprah's dieting. 

A Necessary Sacrifice

There are, of course, consequences of such a radical course. The most obvious is that the unmown grass, though lush and green, grows very tall. So far, I have lost several family members in the front lawn. They went out to get the mail and never returned.  

But if it means saving the planet and conserving our natural resources, that's a sacrifice I'm willing to make.

How about you?

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HAPPY 4TH OF JULY EVERYBODY!! I WON'T BE CUTTING THE GRASS!!

That's a lesson I learned the hard way when I ran out of beer and hopped on my riding mower to go fetch some more. Please learn from my mistake. Click on the arrow.

Now I know what you're gonna say -- I should have knowed better than to drive down the road on a mower without proper tags and with an open container in my vee-HICK-el. But you don't live with my wife, Rhonda. When she wants a beer, you best get her one.

After the state took away my mower license and made me attend those riding mower safety classes, I can see the error of my ways. But shoot, after getting sprayed in the face by that officer, I'm happy to see just about anything.

Here are three lessons I learned from this that you can learn from too:

1. Don't drink and mow.

2. Know your rights.

3. Sometimes it's better to just get stabbed in the face.

Okay, I've had it. For years, I've stood wimpily by as so-called "experts" and "opinion makers" like those on Garden Rant launch assault after vicious assault on one of our most sacred and treasured institutions -- the family lawn. I can stand by no longer.

photo: Brian Bender faithfully guards a national treasure -- the White House lawn.

Barry (left) and I hang with our homey, famous botanist Carl Linnaeus. Carl looks a little stiff, but that's only because he's shy.

If I asked you to identify the “City of Gardens,” how many of you would say Tulsa? Not many, I’ll bet. And up until a few days ago, I wouldn’t either, but then I paid Tulsa a visit.

Last week, Lianne asked if it was necessary to divide hostas and if so, when and how? Once again, the all-seeing, all-knowing, and all-generous Grump has consented to answer these pressing questions.

Q: Hi Steve, we have a problem with dollarweed in low parts of our yard that stay wet. We've tried some weed killers but even at low concentrations, our St Augustine (much of which is Floratam) the grass seems to be affected more than the weeds. I found a new weed killer "Image" with 4% Atrazine that says it's safe for all St Augustine grass. Is this safe for Floratam? Is it too late in the season to use it? It seems this time of the year is when the dollarweed really takes off. We don't water these areas unless we're into a real drought, so we can't do much about the wetness. Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

Don Taylor, Panama City, FL

Q: I am sooo very frustrated. I bought a house about 2 yrs ago in Orlando that had been neglected and I have slowly been trying to give it much needed TLC. Next to the driveway is a patch about 4 x 30 ft that has some kind of weed. It looks like grass, but has tubers that interconnect with some kind of string. So if you pull just the top, the weed will regrow because the tuber is still there. And, if you pull up one tuber w/the plant, you are still not done because 2 or more tubers can be connected by the strings. The tubers can grow about 6 to 8" below the surface. I don't know if I am making sense trying to describe this, but I really do hope so. I took it to the gardening dept of Home Depot, but they did not know what it was.

Talk about going bankrupt by gardening... I have used at least 3 or 4 different chemicals on the soil from Scotts Weed & Feed (only made it grow thicker), Roundup (only kills the plant top (green parts above ground) but does nothing to the tubers, and other stuff which I can't remember right now. I have purchased all kinds of tools trying to kill this stuff and spent uncountable hours pulling, prodding, shovelling, hoeing, etc etc etc.

I am at the point now where I am tempted to just brick it in and forget about it. But I want grass, and more than that, I want to win. I don't want those weeds to win... So that is why I am writing to you...

Do you have any ideas for me?

Frustrated in Orlando,
Dorothy

Q: 1. Do you know of ANY way to get (and keep) Bermuda grass out of monkey (mondo, whatever) grass?

Q: I have a grass patch lined with edging, then rocks in the rest of the yard. How can I keep the grass from growing in the rocks? Keeping in mind I'm cheap and lazy. Josh Ragsdale

Q: Hi, I would love to know if there is anything I can do to completely get reid of Ivy? The previous homeowners, had planted ivy all around trees and shurbs. Please, I need help! Thanks, Gloria