Hope reigns, America. No longer must we suffer the indignity and injustice of watching stinking squirrels slug down precious bird seed day-after-day while our little, winged tweeters starve. We have an answer -- one that doesn't require a greased pole, sliding pole, fall-away perches, or tipping domes. It'll work with the cheapest feeder you have.

Red Hots! Get Your Red Hots!

The idea is brilliant in its simplicity. Don't waste time and money keeping squirrels away from the feeder. Instead, give them seed they'll only eat once! Now, thanks to the fine people at Cole's, we have just the seed we need!

Cole's just sent me two bags of bird seed -- Cole's Hot Meats and Cole's Blazing Hot Blend. The first consists solely of sunflower meats, while the second is a blend of sunflower meats, black oil seed, millet, and cracked corn. What do these two products have in common? They're infused with habanero pepper oil. I can see little flames licking the bags right now!

I know what you're thinking. Won't habanero-infused seed burn the little birdies? The answer is no. For some strange, but marvelous reason, birds don't react to pepper at all. They can eat all the blazing hot seed they want without ever breaking a sweat (which is good, since they can't sweat, but you know what I mean). Squirrels, on the other hand, have sensitive lips, delicate tongues, and discriminating palates. They know when they've just swallowed fire.

Boy, is this going to be an exciting Thanksgiving at Grumpy's house for people and creatures one and all! First, we'll toast the holiday. Next, we'll toast the squirrels.

I'll fill that feeder with so much Hot Meats those little vermin will think they're the Pilgrims about to sit down with the Wampanoags. After all, that first Thanksgiving dinner was surprisingly spicy and I wouldn't want to break with tradition. Each squirrel will get a mouthful of seed and immediately combust. I'll bask in justification. As Pink Floyd sang in "Time," "it's good to warm my bones beside the fire."

Cole's products are sold in lots of pet stores, garden centers, and other places. Go to their website and locate a retailer near you. Trust me, using this stuff will be the most fun you've had since watching moths ignite in the bug-zapper.

Millions of people love dogs. The Grump does not. The Grump hates dogs and it's all your fault.

Well, it's not your fault if you don't own a dog. But if you do, you and it live in my cross-hairs. Because I won't have to wait long to be annoyed or disgusted.

Here are things dogs and their enabling owners do that tick me off.

1. Dogs lick. I don't care if they do it to be nice, dog slobber is gooey and gross and dog breath is invariably a hot breeze from hell.

2. Dogs eat anything and I mean ANYTHING. Even something that recently emerged from another dog. Think about that the next time you get licked.

3. Dogs bite. I'll never forget the time I was 4 years old and being pulled on a sled by my father when a mean dog from a house up the street saw me as fresh meat, burst through a storm door, ran out into the street, and bit me twice on the leg. I vowed never to go sledding again without a can of bear spray and a Tazer.

4. Dogs bark loudly, incessantly, and at nothing. I blame their thoughtless, cruel, oafish owners for this. Why wouldn't a big black Lab bark all day when he's penned up in a yard the size of a toaster for the weekend, while its owners are off skiing in Vail? Too many dog owners only care about the dog when they're around and forget about it when they're not. Total jerks, says the Grump.

5. Dog owners walk the dog for one reason only and it ain't exercise. They walk the dog so it will poop in someone else's yard. Oh, I'm wrong? Then why do they walk in the dark so that none of the neighbors can see them? Why do they carry 30-foot leashes so the dog can explore your yard for just the right spot? While I commend owners who clean up after their dog, the truth is, I'd rather you let your dog poop in your own yard. If this seems unreasonable, then you won't mind if my family comes over to use your toilet. FYI, we prefer two-ply.

Now you may ask, what does this doggy diatribe have to do with gardening? Well, dog offense affects my enjoyment of the garden. If I can't spend time in my garden without being assaulted by incessant, staccato barking from next door (don't dogs EVER get hoarse?), dog owners letting their pets pee on my petunias, or stepping in a load left by some cretinous canine, then I say, "Enough! Take your act to Vietnam, where everyone LOVES dogs."

Take Toto too.   

You hate voles. You hate moles. You hate gophers too. And with good reason. They chew up your plants and burrow through your lawn. And there isn't much you can do to stop them. Until now. Play this video and you'll understand why that instead of getting mad, it's better to get even.

Did you notice the gleam of joy in Mr. Meyer's eyes as he talked of blowing these little critters into the Great Beyond? Admit it -- many of you feel just like him. Especially if you grow hostas, tulips, vegetables, perennials, and other plants that these stinking critters routinely gulp down without the slightest remorse.

Now the Grump admits this is an extreme solution and he is not recommending it to anyone. So don't blame me if you accidentally blow up your gas lines and your house. Or set fire to the woods or cause a 4.6 earthquake. Or if someone sneaks a video of you blasting away to Homeland Security and the Feds pay you a call. You have to decide just how much you loathe these varmints and to what lengths you'd go to in defense of your darling plants.

Mr. Meyer, you missed your calling. You should have starred in "Apocalypse Now." I can just see you surveying the land and uttering those immortal words: "I love the smell of propane in the morning."

We've all watched manly adventurers take down charging bears with pepper spray. We've also seen it used to control rioting old ladies at Wayne Newton concerts. And we've wondered -- how can we gardeners get in on the fun? 

Now we can with an all-natural insect control that's perfectly safe around the house, but makes bugs wish they'd never been born. It's Hot Pepper Wax and the Grump is here to tell you that it really works. Spray it on a plant according to label directions and any insect that takes a bite will be too busy looking for a glass of milk to take a second one.

I just used it against some little beetles that suck sap from my daylily flower buds and cause them to fall off before they open. Those beetles took off and never returned.  

Hot pepper wax is both an insecticide and a repellent. It blends capsaicin from cayenne peppers with highly refined paraffin wax to coat plants with a thin, invisible barrier against pests. The wax allows one spraying to work for up to two weeks, regardless of weather. It also acts as an anti-transpirant to reduce water loss from plants during hot weather.

Deer, rabbits, squirrels, and other varmints don't like like having their tongues go up in flames either. You can buy gallons of the stuff to apply through a tank sprayer, but I prefer a ready-to-use spray bottle. You'll find it in garden centers or you can simply click on the link above.

Bugs -- get ready to burn!!! Scream to your PETA mamas!!!

Ebony and ivory

A white spider consumes a bumblebee

Sucks out all of the goo

It's real bee stew and

It's fat-free!

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Forgive me for making light of this poor bumblebee's demise. It's a defense mechanism. You see, spiders creep me out. I'm not afraid of snakes, not afraid of cats, and not even afraid of Nancy Grace as she tries to railroad innocent Duke lacrosse players to spike her ratings. But spiders -- well, they give me the willies.

Now as a learned human being, I know spiders perform a very important and valuable service to the ecosystem. They eat all sorts of bugs that would otherwise eat us out of house and home. Still, my first instinct when seeing a spider is to squash it. Spiders seem evil and dangerous. After watching that episode with Shelob in "The Lord of the Rings," I carried a magic sword for weeks. 

Most spiders are harmless to humans -- except, of course, if you accidentally have your genes scrambled with those of a fly and wind up stuck in a web like poor little Andre crying, "Help me!"

Still, there are some kinds you really need to avoid, like these:

                                   The Black Widow (aka "Wonder Woman" to feminists)

The scourge of outhouse toilet seats throughout the South, the female black widow (Latrodectus mactans), is around 1-inch long. She is shiny and black with a telltale red hourglass marking on the underside of her bulbous abdomen. She gets her name from her heartless habit of devouring the male soon after mating. This situation is the best argument I know for no-fault divorce.

Black widows favor dark, out-of-the-way places to build webs. Buried valve boxes for lawn sprinkler systems are favorite haunts. The spiders aren't aggressive, unless they feel threatened. The neurotoxic venom is quite potent, though nonfatal in the vast majority of cases. Symptoms include pain, muscle cramps, tremors, and nausea.

                                                             The Brown Recluse (aka violin spider)

Here in the South, this is the spider to really watch out for, though in most cases you'll never see it coming. It's shy and mostly nocturnal, hiding in garages, closets, basements, vents, stored clothes and shoes, boxes, furniture, and work gloves. The brown recluse (Loxoceles reclusa) is about 3/4-inch long and features a distinctive violin shape on its cephalothorax.

Many times, you won't even feel the bite. The venom kills tissue, as my wife discovered when she awoke one morning after feeling something crawling over her face. A small reddened ulcer appeared on her nose. It steadily enlarged, hardened, and then turned almost black. After 6 weeks, it finally healed, but not before leaving a deep pockmark that required cosmetic surgery to fix. Some bite victims also report fever and vomiting.

 Hobo Spider

If you live in the Pacific Northwest, one bum you definitely don't want to meet is the hobo spider (Tegenaria agrestis).  Somewhat larger than the brown recluse, it is indigenous to western Europe and was introduced into the northwestern U.S. near Seattle aboard commercial ships sometime in the 1930's. It's often called "the aggressive house spider" for its reputation for supposedly chasing people, but this is pure fantasy. It frequently takes up residence in homes. Its bite causes necrotic lesions similar to those made by brown recluses, but symptoms are generally milder.

Don't Walk This Way

I'll leave you with one nightmare you don't have to fear, but my sister-in-law, Penny, does. She's soon moving to Belize, home to the world's most poisonous spider, the fearsome Brazilian walking spider.

This beastie is named for its habit of wandering the jungle floor at night searching for prey, rather than building a web. Its genus name, Phoneutria, is Greek for "murderess." The Brazilian wandering spiders can grow to have a leg span of 4 to 5 inches. The one pictured here is P. nigriventer, probably the most dangerous species.

P. nigriventer venom contains a potent neurotoxin. A serious bite causes breathing problems and loss of muscle control, resulting in paralysis and eventual asphyxiation. Victims should seek immediate treatment. But the news isn't all bad. The venom also causes skyrocketing blood pressure, which in men acts like a triple shot of Viagra. Viva, Phoneutria! 

Walking spiders usually hide out during the day, searching for cover in dark places. It gets its other common name, "banana spider," because it occasionally hitches a ride in shipments of bananas. In fact, one of these huge spiders recently emerged from a shipment of Honduran bananas in a Whole Foods Market in Tulsa.

The stock boy has not yet been found.

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Thanks to Casey Pfleger for sending me the white spider photo. Grumpy

Question -- I have never seen spiders like these, who seem to really like my Japanese Maple.  Are they harmful to tree or humans? Diane

Answer -- Those "spiders" in the other photo aren't spiders. They're predatory insects called assassin bugs that have recently hatched out. They get their name from spearing other bugs with their sharp beaks and sucking out their insides -- kinda like the giant brain-sucking bug in "Starship Troopers."  If you mess with them, they'll spear you too and their bites can be painful. However, they 're considered beneficial because they eat pests like aphids, soft scales, and caterpillars.

We had a terrible infestation of grasshoppers last year. What can we do to stave off these pests?

Photo by turtlemom4bacon

Hi Steve. Been loving your Grumpy blog. I read your article on voles but I was wondering if there are certain plants that they are more attracted to...or do they just eat anything?

I planted some pink and red coreposis on the bank out front. Looking good one day...hmmm...brown....looking closely...holes...no plants. Watered them faithfully every morning before 6 am. My water bill equals to one year of the Iraq war. Voles have in time eaten my entire "patch" of hosta...any bulb other than daffodils...and one year ate my monkey grass one little clump at a time. I have an oleander plant, but they have no taste for it. Shame.

Along with half the squirrel population of west Tennessee, I must have ever danged vole that lives here too. If I can't interest you in a Rocky replacement, how about a few little innocent voles to get rid of some of those pesky plants? I could probably supply most of Alabama and Georgia. Would appreciate your answer on this.    

Jean Sherrill 

My wife and I have a problem with mealybugs on several of our houseplants. What can we do to control them? We have a large collection and do not want to get rid of any of our plants. Roy

Cape plumbago (Plumbago auriculata) -- One of Grumpy's favorite sources for blue flowers!

Q: I live in South Florida and my cape plumbago and ficus hedge has been infested with white fly. There is a lot of dead wood on the underside of the plants and they are thinning out rapidly. I can't afford to replace them - I have over 130 feet of plumgago beds.

Any suggestions?

Thank you,
George DeBarros

Q: OK, Grumpy, here's a new one. I have two garden spiders on each of my window boxes in the back yard (on my husband's barn). I believe they are called garden or banana spiders. One is large and has weaved a zigzag (I guess she's the she) and on the other box is a smaller one with no zigzag (I guess he's the he). I don't really want to kill them, but they have made it nearly impossible to water the boxes because the webs are so large. Do you know of any way to run them off before my husband, the spider killer, does away with them?

Thanks,
Holly

Q: Any suggestions on the best way to control spittlebugs? Is it possible that they are being brought into my yard by my lawn service mowers?
Thespian Cracker

Q: Tiny, black, glossy, round beetles are eating the new petals of my echinaceas and rudbeckias. What are they and how do I get rid of them without killing the butterflies, etc.? Anne Fitts

Q: Dear Steve,
Voles have recently destroyed my 3 year old hosta bed. Any suggestions as to what I can do before I replant to avoid a repeat other than put sharp gravel in holes?
Barbara Kozlowski
Richmond, VA

Many books have been written detailing what a woman really wants from a man.

Q: Something is eating up many leaves on my bougainvilleas, hibiscus, roses and some other plants.
I have found some very small green worms on some leaves plus small white hard shell bugs.They are oblong in shape and the size of a pencil eraser and have a very hard shell. I have tried different store bug sprays and also made my own spray with Hot Sauce, soap, etc. Nothing has helped. Can you help me?
Also, my hibiscus flowers have been falling off too easily, most of them as buds. I noticed this way before the bug problem. I have tried different food for hibiscus but that has not helped either. I need help badly, before I give up gardening.
Mrs. Claudette Michael
Margate, Florida

Q: Every July, huge hornets bore holes in my flower garden. They really make a large pile of dirt beside the hole. What can I do?

Q: I need help with two issues, the first is white fly. What can I use on tomatoes and other plants? My other issue is voles. We have used milky spore in the yard with great results. However, in the beds that is another story. I gave up on trying to have lilies, there seems to be nothing to keep them away. When I plant my tomatoes I put the root ball inside of a wire mesh gutter downspout, which works well. We have tried traps without any luck. Suggestions? Nancy

Q: Our neighbors have moles that have destroyed their lawns and about three weeks ago we noticed some tunnels.  Since then, we have more and now tunnels in our flowers beds at the front and back of the house.  We put down Triazicide in March and again just recently.  This was recommended by the local garden center.  Anything you can suggest?
Thanks for your help.
Jim and Brenda   (Who love a nice looking lawn and gardens)

Q: Help, do you have any idea how to get rid of sugar ants? They are invading my kitchen, coming in from outsidel I think.

Q: have just lost two month-old plants due to roly-polies eating up the roots. What should I use to get rid of them. I don't want them to get the other plants, but I don't want to poison the plants so they will hurt the bees,butterflies, and hummingbirds.
Miffy Woods

Q: Grasshoppers have invaded my garden and are munching on all the tender young tomato plants. They have decimated one entire bed of veggie transplants. How can I get rid of these pests?

Thanks for any advice.
Mary

Q:I don't know if I have Gophers, voles or moles, or all of the above. I need to get them out of my veggie garden. They have pulled several whole heads of red lettuce into the ground, over night. Now they are working on the cabbage. I am missing half of my onions and my fruit trees aren't getting watered correctly because of the holes. I have about a half acre in fruit trees and garden. What can I use for a quick fix?
Sincerely,
Lacy J

Q: Dear Steve, I enjoy your part of the magazine so much. Please tell me how to make insecticidal soap to spray on my daylilies that have tiny tiny white bugs. Thanks.

Q: Hello Mr. Grumpy....
I am plagued with "Bore Beetles".  They are attacking our Bradford pears.  One Bradford pear is dead...however there are several more with the telltale holes of the beetles are obivous.
How can I rid the tree of this pest?
Thanks,
Sandy from Gonzales, La.

A: Dear Sandy,
Even Grumpy, as brilliant as he is, needs a little more info to diagnose the problem. Can you describe the holes? Do they occur in evenly spaced horizontal or vertical rows? Have you ever noticed what look like "toothpicks" of sawdust attached to the trunk? How long ago was it that your pears started declining?
Grumpy

Q: I only noticed the holes in the fall of 07.  The holes are horizontal and look like they are evenly drilled.  I really thought this tree was going to bloom and bud out.....but it didn't make it.
Sandy

A: Mystery solved. Borers are not the problem. The holes were drilled by a sapsucker. This bird drills holes in the bark and licks the sap that comes out. Maples and fruit trees (Bradford pear is a kind of fruit tree, even though the fruits are tiny)  are favorites. The holes have nothing to do with the death of the tree. It must have been weakened by some other factor. Bradford pears are short-term trees due to pest and disease problems and a propensity to break up in storms. You'll need to replace yours with something else. Grumpy 

Well......THANK YOU Grumpy!! I have looked at each and every tree and the little darlings have tapped a few others. I would have never suspected such a cute little bird. Thanks, Sandy