Crepe myrtles are hot right now. In fact, no subject is of more interest to Southerners this summer than the non-stop coverage of Michael Jackson. (FYI, before the funeral, the family rejected embalming MJ, as that would be redundant.)

Thus, the ever-generous, all-caring Grump will answer 10 of the most common questions about crepe myrtles directed his way every week.

1. What does crepe myrtle need to grow well and bloom?

 Answer -- Lots of sun, well-drained soil, and extended summer heat. After suffering for so many years from hearing about how great gardening is in England, I am gratified to know that crepe myrtle hates it there. The summers aren't sufficiently long and hot.

Winter cold is another consideration for you people up north. Although some selections, such as 'Acoma' (white), 'Centennial Spirit' (dark red), 'Comanche' (coral pink), 'Hopi' (medium pink), 'Yuma' (lavender), and 'Zuni' (lavender), are reputed to withstand temperatures below zero, if zero temps are common where you live, I wouldn't plant crepe myrtle. It does best in Zones 7, 8, and 9. Instead, plant 'Pink Diamond' or 'Tardiva' hydrangea. (Both are selections of summer-flowering Hydrangea paniculata.)

2. When is a good time to plant crepe myrtle?

Answer -- When the plant is dormant, either in fall, winter (where winters are mild), or early spring. Of course, you can plant a crepe myrtle grown in a container in summer too, as long as you water it frequently to keep it from wilting. Once it's established, it's quite drought-tolerant.

3. When should I prune crepe myrtle?

Answer -- Late winter is the best time for two reasons. One, the plant has no leaves, so you can easily see all the branches and which ones need removing. Two, crepe myrtle blooms on new growth. Pruning in winter won't reduce summer blooming.

Having said that, you can produce a second major flush of blooms on most crepe myrtles by pruning off the round, green seed pods that form just after the first flowers fade. The second flush won't be quite as showy, but you'll like it nonetheless.

4. What is "crepe murder?"

Answer -- Crepe murder is the odious practice of using saws and loppers to cut down a crepe myrtle into thick, ugly stubs, usually performed on an early spring weekend by bored husbands seeking to justify their existence to women. This ruins the natural form of the plant, produces weak spindly branches too weak to hold up the flowers, and prevents the formation of the beautiful, smooth, mottled bark that looks so pretty in winter.  

For specific instructions on pruning crepe myrtles, see "Stop! Don't Chop" and "Crepe Myrtle Pruning Step-by-Step," two highly informative articles written by your favorite Grump.

5. What's that black stuff all over the leaves?

Answer -- Hershey's Dark Chocolate. Nah, just kidding. Actually, it's black mold growing on the sticky honeydew produced by sucking insects, usually aphids. Get rid of the aphids and you'll have no mold. Spray according to label directions with an environmentally friendly product, such as refined horticultural oil on insecticidal soap (make sure to wet the undersides of the leaves), or a systemic insecticide that's absorbed into the leaves, such as Ortho Max Tree & Shrub Insect Control.  

6. White that's white stuff all over the leaves and flower buds?

Answer -- Powdery mildew, a fungus that likes warm, humid weather. Many older types of crepe myrtle are highly susceptible. The fungus distorts the foliage and often ruins the flower buds. While you can prevent powdery mildew by spraying according to label directions with a fungicide such as Daconil or Immunox or even with refined horticultural oil, you're better off buying a mildew-resistant selection, such as 'Natchez,' 'Miami,' 'Sioux,' 'Dynamite,' and 'Biloxi.' Look for this on the plant label.

7. Why doesn't my healthy crepe myrtle bloom?

Answer -- Could be lots of reasons. Maybe it doesn't get enough sun. Maybe powdery mildew ruined the blooms. Maybe Japanese beetles ate it. Maybe it just needs a few more years to grow. Maybe you're in a drought. A crepe myrtle will often go dormant during a very dry summer with flower buds ready to pop. They'll only pop when the plant gets some water, either from rain or from you. 

8. What are some crepe myrtles that don't get so tall?

Answer -- One way to avoid crepe murder is to select varieties that don't need pruning. Small ones (5-10 feet) include  'Acoma,' (white), 'Hopi' (pink), 'Tonto' (red), and 'Zuni' (lavender). Dwarf types (3-5 feet) include 'Centennial' (purple), 'Petite' (various colors), 'Razzle Dazzle' (various colors), 'Pocomoke' (rose-pink), and 'Victor' (deep red).

9. What are the Grump's favorite crepe myrtles?

Answer -- 'Natchez,' (tall white), 'Miami' (tall pink, pictured above), 'Catawba' (medium purple), 'Dynamite' (medium red), 'Watermelon Red' (tall red), 'Petite Orchid' (dwarf purple).

10. Why do you spell crepe myrtle with an "e"?

Answer -- It never ceases to amaze me how many people think this spelling is the most significant issue facing the world today. I spell it with an "e" because the crinkled flowers remind me of crepe. If you want to spell it "crape," go ahead -- on your own blog.

Question from John: I live in  Wisconsin close to the Illinois border. Each year I purchase Gerbera Daisy plants. After about a week on the patio, the yellow finches pluck out the petals. They pull  them out one at a time. They do not eat them or the center of the flower. They just pluck them out and drop them. They strip all the petals from all colors and just the gerbera daisies.They do not touch the centers of the flowers. At first we thought they were taking the petals for nesting purposes, but they just pluck them and drop them. Once all the petals are gone they move on to the next flower. Any ideas?

The Grump replies: It is a sad commentary on the fallen state of the world when we can no longer feel safe around goldfinches. Most people trust these little birds as they would trust their own children. Yet see how that trust is repaid!

I have never witnessed such outlandish behavior myself. I can think of only 3 explanations:

1. They're looking for seeds in the center. When they don't find any, they move on to the next flower.

2. Maybe they are Illinois goldfinches making a border raid on you Wisconsin cheeseheads!

3. You're dealing with a group of delinquent birds. The Goldfinch Gang has come to town.

 An innocent Gerbera awaits its fate. It's a plucking shame.

Bird Gangs?

Don't be shocked. Ever since Alfred Hitchcock's classic horror film, "The Birds," debuted in 1963, we've known our avian friends had a dark sinister side. They tweet sweetly on the feeder, all the while selecting which one of us will get our eyes pecked out. Maybe it will be you!

Grumpians, can any of you offer John an explanation for why these finches are pillaging his Gerberas?

While John waits, he can take solace in the fact that behavior on his feeder could be even worse. 

Anyone know a good source for a bear baffle? This is what you get for putting suet in your feeder!
 

Growing Gerberas -- A Grumpy Quickie

Light: Full to part sun

Soil: Moist, well-drained (soggy soil es muy malo). I think that's Spanish for "very bad."

Water: Water thoroughly, then let soil go slightly dry before watering again

Fertilizer: Feed monthly with liquid bloom-booster fertilizer

Grooming: Remove spent flowers to keep new ones coming

Nice to know: Plants often do better in containers than in the ground

Watch out for: Goldfinch gangs

 

Many of you are asking: "Will the rain ever stop?" So I consulted Jim Cantore, Gonzo Hurricane Chaser and Prophet of Doom for the Weather Channel. The answer is, "No. It's going to rain every day until the last vestige of Earth disappears under the water on December 21, 2012. Get your end-of-days plan ready."

The scene above was the Grump's croquet court just two weeks ago. Oh, how I loved quaffing sherry while hobnobbing among the wickets with my high and mighty society friends who wouldn't be seen with the likes of you! But now it's just another malarial swamp choked by weeds and patrolled by water moccasins. And I was on the verge of beating the tar out of Prince Charles and Warren Buffett!

Now a lot of people will undoubtedly be depressed to learn that it's going to rain every single day for the rest of their lives. But I say it all depends on how you look at it. Is the glass half-full or is it filled to overflowing? If it's the latter, put on a happy face and fill your world with wonderful water-loving plants to brighten your day for the remaining three or so years we all have left. Here are some trees, shrubs, flowers, and bulbs you should plant right now between bolts of lightning.

The Grump's Favorite Trees for Wet Soil

1. Bald Cypress (Taxodium distichum) *

2. Sweet bay (Magnolia virginiana)

3. Red or swamp maple (Acer rubrum)

4.  Water tupelo (Nyssa aquatica) *

5. Sycamore (Plantanus occidentalis)

* Tolerates submerged roots

Fave Shrubs for Wet Soil

 Virginia sweetspire -- spring bloom

1. Buttonbush (Cephalanthus occidetalis) *

2. Summersweet (Clethra alnifolia)

3. Virginia sweetspire (Itea virginica)

4. Wax myrtle (Myrica cerifera)

5. Winterberry (Ilex verticillata) *

* Tolerates submerged roots

Beauteous Boggy Bloomers

Cardinal flower -- hummingbird favorite

1. Cardinal flower (Lobelia cardinalis) *

2. Crinum lily (Crinum sp).

3. Ginger lily (Hedychium sp.)

4. Ironweed (Vernonia sp).

5. Japanese primrose (Primula japonica)

6. Joe-Pye weed (Eupatorium pupureum)

7. Pitcher plant (Sarracenia sp,)

8. Canna (Canna sp.) *

9. Texas star (Hibiscus coccineus) *

10. Yellow flag (Iris pseudacorus) *

* Will tolerate submerged roots

Water Hyacinth Warning!!

Once you know the whole world is going to drown, invasive plants don't seem that big a deal. Nonetheless, I am honor bound by my sacred oath sworn before the Order of the Pink Flamingo to warn you about those pretty lilac-colored flowers floating on the water in the shot of my former pleasure garden. They are water hyacinths (Eichhornia crassipes), one of the worst water-loving plants you can inflict on nature. They're OK in an aquarium or birdbath, but releasing them into the wild where they're cold-hardy (Zone 7 and below) is like setting loose Charlie Sheen in the showgirls' dressing room. Things get out of control. Water hyacinths multiply incredibly fast and eventually cover large bodies of water. The sweep of them above probably started from a single plant some jerk threw out about 15 minutes ago.     

This was the question posed to me by the Dolly Llama, a buxom beast with an enormous blond wig. I had journeyed for days to meet her in her mountain hideaway in Pigeon Forge, Tennessee, known far and wide as the "Temple of Enlightenment."

"It's a simple question, honey," said the Dolly to me. "Two plants sprout in my garden. One is a weed I will pull up and throw away. Which one is the weed?"

"Ummm, I'd like to use my lifeline," I said meekly.

"This ain't 'Cash Cab,' honey," the Dolly replied. "You have to figure this'n out by your lonesome." 

Oh no. Now I know how W felt when Dick Cheney was in the bathroom and the generals needed to know whether to push that button now. There was only one option. I had to stall.

"So, what do you think about A-Rod and those steroids?" I ventured. "Shoot, what's wrong with a guy raising artificial cows?"

But the Dolly wouldn't bite, which was fortunate, since her gigantic, white canines could do considerable damage. "The Dolly's patience wears thin as her waist," she said menacingly.

I had to be like W -- say the first thing that came into my head.

"The weed is the plant you don't want," I said. "That's what makes it a weed."

"Ah, Grasshopper, you are wise beyond your years," said the Dolly. "Now shoo, honey. I got a semi truck full of lipstick due any minute now."

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My visit with the Dolly Llama came to mind this week as my wife, Judy, and I gazed at our front flower bed overflowing with pink flowers. "Are you going to leave those weeds there?" asked Judy. "Aren't they the ones you see along the highway?"

Well, yeeeessss. Her implication was that any flower that grew by the side of the road was unworthy of a cultivated garden. But these flowers are pretty. Known as pink or prairie primrose (Oenothera speciosa), this perennial wildflower (which is not a true primrose) is native to much of the South. It's 2-inch, pink flowers bloom profusely in late spring and early summer. Then the plant kind of dies down and disappears. But it's sneaky. Not only does it spread by seed, but its insurgent rhizomes slither beneath the soil in all directions until by the following spring, you discover you have almost nothing but primrose.

I didn't plant it. One plant came up and I let it stay. So like communism and Geraldo Rivera, it must be contained. Now I let it bloom in the spring. When it's finished and before it can set seed, I yank up as much of it as I can find. Next spring, I'll have just as much as I had before.

So is it a weed? You tell me. 

I sometimes think it would be cool to build a raised bed and plant one each of the most invasive plants I could find and let them duke it out. I'd plant pink primrose, wild ageratum (Eupatorium coelestinum), horsetails (Equisetum hyemale), gooseneck loosestrife (Lysimachia clethroides), artemisia, common yarrow (Achillea millefolium), chameleon plant (Houttuynia cordata), mint,  tawny daylily (Hemerocallis fulva), bracken (Pteridium aquilinum), ribbon grass (Phalaris arundinacea picta), and Japanese knotweed (Fallopia japonica) and see who emerges victorious. It'd be like gardening on WWF. 

So are they weeds to you? Which one would you bet on?

Most of the plants we buy at garden centers come in black plastic pots. After a while, you accumulate so many you could build your own Tower of Babel.

So what do you do when your garden center doesn't want them, the recycler won't take them, and town ordinances don't allow pagan towers? You're stuck. 

Snow in Alabama is as rare here as an honest politician. So when I woke up to a blizzard yesterday morning, I calmly assessed the situation and logically concluded that the world was coming to an end.

We had a terrible infestation of grasshoppers last year. What can we do to stave off these pests?

Photo by turtlemom4bacon

Most of you are scared to death of pruning and rightly so. That's because you do it wrong. Have no fear, the Grump in his great beneficence will reveal the path to pruning enlightenment.

Last night, I got a weird voice-mail message on my cell phone. The operator asked, "Will you accept a collect call from the Correctional Facility in Loxley, Alabama?" Aparently, stupidity is now a jailable offense.

See, the Grump doesn't take collect telephone calls from anybody. If my phone rang and a voice asked, "You have a collect call from a Mr. J.C. in Heaven. Will you accept the charges?", my reflex response would be, "Heck, no! That's long distance!"

And in the Grump's case, that's long, long, long, loooooooooooong distance.

I can only imagine the situation the prisoner was in. Maybe he was being held hostage with a gun to his head. The guy holding it says, "This is the deal. You get to make one collect call. If the person you call accepts the charges, I'll let you go. But if he doesn't, I'm blowing you away. Now -- who you gonna call?"

"Uh, the Grumpy Gardener."

Boom!

But maybe the situation wasn't so dire. Maybe the caller was just a lonely guy searching for a friend. That seems a little strange, seeing as how you're surrounded by "friends" in jail, but maybe none of them knew anything about how to root gardenia cuttings and he just had to know.

So now the Grump's feeling a little guilty. After all, the world could always use a few more gardenias. To atone for my heartlessness, I've written a parody of Jim Croce's old song, "Operator." (If you remember it, you and Methuselah were in kindergarten together.)

Operator

Won't you help me place this call?

You see, the number on this switch blade is old and faded.

He lives in Alabam

He likes okra and fried Spam

He saw it when my meth lab was raided.

But isn't that the way they say it goes?

Well, let's forget all that

And give me Grump's number if you can find it

So I can call just to tell him I'm fine

And to show

I've overcome the blow

I like gardenia's smell

Got Southern Living here

That recipe worked swell

And my cell walls are teal

I like how they make it feel.

My teenage son, who gets straight-A's, got a B on his Biology exam. Why? He missed all the plant questions. I should outraged, but I'm not. I think it's because my wife gave me some very good bourbon for Christmas. I'm going to use it as a teaching tool.

You see one in every neighborhood -- a house and yard with so many Christmas lights that people on Mars complain about the glare. So when is a Christmas light display merely exuberant and when does it devolve into tacky?

If you could receive any plant in the world for Christmas, what would it be?

Christmas cactus? (So dependable.)

'Yuletide' camellia? (Such a rip-off.)

Angel's trumpet? (Such a miracle.)

Star-of-Bethlehem? (Such a pain.)

Joseph's coat? (Very colorful.)

Weeping Mary? (Very cool.)

Santa-lina? (To hand out in L.A.)

Money plant? (To hand out in Detroit.)

Devil's backbone? (Guess we know which way you're headed.)

What Plant(s) Disappointed You Most This Year?

What Are Your Top Three Plants for Great Fall Color?

Tell me yours and I'll tell you mine!

Well, why not? They’re my feet, after all, and my wife won’t touch them either.

Curb your hormones, ladies. I know this shot of my old buddy, Felder Rushing, is bound to give you the tingles. Felder is probably the South's best-known gardening personality, thanks to his offbeat viewpoint, irreverent sense of humor, wealth of knowledge, and shameless self-promotion. Check out his website at www.felderrushing.net. He and I co-wrote Passalong Plants (University of North Carolina Press, 1994), an award-winning book whose mind-boggling sales allowed us to choose between sending our respective kids to college or traveling extensively to exotic faraway lands. After carefully considering the matter for what seemed like minutes, we packed our bags and hit the road. College is overrated.