Grumpians, it's that time of year when bored, deranged, and cretinous husbands turn their attention to pruning things badly. All over my neighborhood (and I bet yours too), guys without a clue are cutting back crepe myrtles in a desperate attempt to prove they're every bit as bohemian as their fellow man.

I've given up trying to change this. No matter how many times I rail against this oafish practice, the oafs don't care. They just need something to cut and since cutting people and pets is against the law, most turn to crepe myrtles.

Therefore, Grumpy is announcing his First Annual Crepe Murder Contest and asks you to participate. The rules are simple. Just review the following egregious examples of crepe murder and then vote for the one you think best demonstrates the ignorance and tastelessness of the person who did it.The lucky winner will receive two weeks at Chuckie Cheese with 200 screaming kids!  

Contestant #1 -- Medusa Myrtle. Don't look her in the eye or you'll turn to stone!

Contestant #2 -- Minnie Myrtle. Proving once again that bad things come in small packages.

Contestant #3 -- Microwave Myrtle. Check out the Shop, Chop, & Drop Channel!

America, now you've seen them, it's time to vote! Click on the "make a comment" link to cast your vote or text 1, 2, 3, 4, or 5 to 1-888-IGNORAMUS. Standard texting rates apply. And if you've seen an even better example of crepe murder, send Grumpy a photo and he'll post it.

Faithful and inquisitive Grumpians, it is time once again to dive deep into Grumpy's voluminous mailbag and answer some of your most pressing garden questions. As a special treat, I've asked some of the greatest minds in history to address your entreaties.

Judy asks: When should I start to feed our azaleas? We live about 1-1/2 hours south of Atlanta.

Albert Einstein answers: Did you know that if you traveled to the Andromeda Galaxy at the speed of light, by the time you returned, your azaleas would be devoured by a Black Hole? As far as fertilizing goes, do this right after they finish blooming. That Black Hole won't show up for another two years.

Julia asks: My 'Brown Turkey' fig has grown too tall to safely harvest its bounty. When and how should I prune it?

Sir Isaac Newton answers: You can prune it now by shortening the uppermost branches as much as needed. Always cut back to another branch or outward-facing bud. The early harvest of figs will be reduced, but not the second one in summer. Hey, a big fig just fell on my head! This gives me an idea.....

Pat asks: I live in Texarkana. About 3 years ago, our healthy, gorgeous azaleas turned brown and died almost overnight. I put compost and bone meal around them as directed. Looks like fire blight to me.

Socrates replies: Azaleas cannot get fireblight. My thesis is that you have a soil problem. Your soil may be too alkaline (a pH of 5.5 is ideal), poorly drained, or have a root rot fungus in it. Before you replant azaleas in the same spot, have your soil tested by your Cooperative Extension Service. You might also bring them a plant sample. FYI, I'd drink poison before giving azaleas bone meal. In your part of the country, they're much more likely to benefit from applications of iron sulfate or garden sulfur. 

Gloria asks: Is there an organic way to grow summer squash? The borers always get to mine before they're able to produce.

Stephen Hawking responds: Squash borers have plagued our existence ever since the Universe suddenly expanded from an infinitely dense, infinitely minute particle of Italian sausage more than 13 billion years ago. You need to cover your plants with floating row covers. These are made with very light material that lets in sun, air, and water, but keeps out bugs. Of course, it will also keep out bees and if bees don't pollinate the flowers, you won't get any squash. So you will have to be the bee and use a cotton swab to transfer yellow pollen from the male flower to the center of the female flower. A female flower has what looks like a tiny squash at its base. Click here for a source for row covers.  

Jack asks: I have a young crepe myrtle with a single trunk and branches that spread out like an umbrella. How should I prune it?

Grumpy answers: As it grows, cut off any side branches that are within 3 feet of the ground. Also cut off any branches that grow inward toward the center of the plant. You want the branching to be open enough that a small bird could fly through. Now is a good time to prune. Tell any of your neighbors that have sawed off their crepe myrtles into ugly stumps that I am very upset and will be paying them a surprise visit shortly. 

Hey Grumpy!
My husband gave me beautiful potted tulips that have bloomed for Valentine's Day. What should I do with  
them now to enjoy their blooms in years to come?  I know you're supposed to plant bulbs in the fall, so I am lost.  Thanks for your help! Lindsay

Grumpy replies: Unfortunately, Lindsay, most of the big-flowered tulips don't bloom for more than 2-3 years in the South.They don't like our soils and climate. However, if you want to give it a go, what you need to do is put the pot of foliage in a sunny place indoors until after your last frost. (Yes, I know that the tulips in the picture are in a sunny place outdoors, but I cheated. It's my blog, so I can do that.) Keep them watered. When the leaves turn yellow in late spring, cut them off and plant the bulbs in your garden. Choose a sunny spot with well-drained soil and plant the bulbs about 6 inches deep and 6-8 inches apart. If you're lucky, next spring you'll get more than leaves.

Yes, it does, actually. Only you won't hear it, because you'll be dead too.

1. Are you licensed?

2. Are you insured?

3. Do you belong to a professional organization, such as the International Society of Arboriculture, the National Arborist Association, or the American Society of Consulting Arborists?

4. After you cut down the tree, will you haul it away?

5. Do you play air guitar during Jimmy Page's classic solo in "Stairway to Heaven?" (I always do.)

Don't pay anything until the work is done to your satisfaction. 

If there is one thing about trees and shrubs that scares people more than paying for them, it's when and how to prune them. One wrong move can ruin them forever (not really, but added anxiety makes for more attentive readers). But abandon all fear, young Skywalker. The Grump is here with easy guidelines for pruning hydrangeas that will make you so glad you turned on your computer

When to prune hydrangeas basically depends on whether it blooms on growth made last year or new growth made during the current year. So let's run down some of the most popular hydrangeas, so I can tell you what to do.

'Annabelle' hydrangea -- This is the showiest and most popular selection of the native smooth hydrangea (Hydrangea arborescens). It produces immense clusters (up to a foot across) of pure white flowers in summer on a shrub that grows about 4 feet tall and wide. It blooms on current season's growth, so prune it in late winter. Cutting it back to a foot tall produces fewer clusters, but they're huge (a trick I learned from Margaret Mosely in Decatur, Georgia). Cutting it back more modestly produces many more, but smaller clusters. 

Panicle hydrangea (Hydrangea paniculata) -- This summer-flowering species likes the sun and is often trained into a tree 15 to 25-feet high. The most widely planted selection, 'Grandiflora' (often called "peegee"), bears large, rounded clusters of white blooms that age to to rose. I see it frequently planted in northern gardens as their version of crepe myrtle, which isn't winter-hardy there. Other worthy selections include 'Limelight' (lime green flowers that age to pink), 'Pink Diamond' (creamy flowers that age to rosy-red), and 'Tardiva' (late-opening, arrow-shaped clusters of white flowers that age to rose). Panicle hydrangea blooms on new growth, so prune it in late winter.

Oakleaf hydrangea (Hydrangea quercifolia) -- This outstanding native native grows 6 to 8 feet tall and wide and develops striking burgundy-red fall foliage. Among the Grump's favorite selections are 'Snowflake' (inner florets stay white, outer florets turn rose in summer), 'Harmony' (huge clusters of double white flowers), and 'Pee Wee' (dwarf plant to 3 feet tall, blooms at a young age). Oakleaf hydrangea blooms on the previous year's growth, so cut it back (although it rarely needs it) in early summer.

French or bigleaf hydrangea (Hydrangea macrophylla) -- By far, the most popular of all hydrangeas for its showy, blue or pink, snowball-shaped summer blooms. Most selections, such as the standard blue, 'Nikko Blue,' bloom on last year's growth. So if you prune them now, you won't get any blooms. What you want to do is wait until they start leafing out in spring. You'll probably notice some stems are light brown with no signs of life. Prune them back to just above where you see fat, green buds starting to open. Most of these buds should produce flowers. Immediately after the flowers fade in summer, cut these stems back if you wish. 

There are exceptions to these guidelines, however. Newer, repeat-blooming selections of French hydrangea, such 'Endless Summer,' 'Pennymac,' 'Mini Penny,' and 'Forever and Ever,' bloom on both last season's growth and current season's growth. You can cut them back in winter, spring, or summer and still get blooms.

Mail-order source -- If you can't find these hydrangeas locally, one of the best mail-order sources is Wilkerson Mill Gardens, which specializes in these shrubs. I hope they don't mind that I ripped off the picture of peegee hydrangea from their website, but maybe if you order some of their stuff, they'll call off the corporate attorney.

You've seen the sequels to "Rocky" (all 112 of them), "The Godfather," "Star Wars," and "Harry Potter." Now for the most exciting sequel of all. (Excuse me while I lower my voice two octaves.)

"In a world torn by strife, disaster, and chaos, one plant rises above the destruction to bring hope and beauty to mankind -- the deciduous holly."

 
Earlier this week, I presented decorating ideas by Jon Carloftis for using deciduous hollies. Today, I'm going to tell you how to grow these native plants, how to tell them apart, and some other stuff.

The two main deciduous hollies Southerners (and everybody else) grow are winterberry (Ilex verticillata) and possumhaw (I. decidua). Both feature bare branches adorned with red. orange, or yellow berries in fall and winter. How do you know which is which? Easy.

1. Winterberry grows about 6-8 feet tall. Possumhaw grows twice that.

2. Winterberry has dark brown twigs. Possumhaw has silvery-gray ones.

3. Winterberry's berries generally lose their luster by late January. Possumhaw's berries last a month longer.

Growing these two is easy. For heavy crops of berries, plant in full sun. Possumhaw likes well-drained soil. Winterberry will grow in either well-drained or wet soil. Both produce berries only on female plants, so you need at least one male plant to pollinate up to 6 females (nice work if you can get it). Note that winterberry won't pollinate possumhaw and vice-versa.

Which selections of each should you try? The Grump recommends these:

Winterberry -- 'Winter Red' and 'Winter Gold.' Pollinate with the male 'Southern Gentleman.'

Possumhaw -- 'Warren's Red' and 'Byer's Golden.' Pollinate with male 'Red Escort.'

Good mail-order sources for deciduous hollies are Woodlanders  and Forest Farm.

Four Monumental Questions That Affect All Life on Earth

The Grump once again demonstrates the boundless depths of his love and knowledge by answering four pertinent gardening questions sent in by loyal readers. 

Sweating to the Moldies: I have a potted schefflera about 5 feet tall. It seems to sweat a clear, syrupy, sticky substance that drips on the floor. I've had it inside for the winter, but it did the same thing outside. Any advice? Mary

Answer: The "sweating" you describe is a sticky substance called honeydew that's secreted by insects such as aphids, scales, and mealybugs that suck the sap. Black mold sometimes grows on this honeydew. These insects multiply quickly indoors and can ruin your plants. To control them, spray your plant according to label directions with a year-round horticultural oil, such as Oil-Away. Be sure to thoroughly wet all plant surfaces.

Pruning Knockouts: My 'Knockout' roses got really big last year. Can I prune them severely- like down to about 12 to 18 inches? And can I do that now? Will they bloom like they did last summer? M.

Answer: Yes. Yes. Yes.

Roundup-Schmoundup: What's the deal with Roundup? I buy it, I use it on weeds and grass to have them supposedly die, only to come back to life. I hate these chemicals. Is there an organic, Earth-friendly way to remove the weeds? George

Answer: Roundup is a non-selective herbicide that is very effective in killing a wide range of plants. But you have to apply it correctly. It is only absorbed by green tissue --leaves and stems -- not by roots. It also needs to stay on these surfaces for at least 4 hours to be absorbed. Some plants with extensive root systems, such as big shrubs, need to be sprayed more than once. Also, Roundup works best when the plants are actively growing, not when they're dormant. Roundup has no effect on seeds in the ground, so if you kill off the parent plant, its seedlings can still come up.

An organic alternative to Roundup is Weed-Aside Herbicidal Soap. However, it only kills the tops of weeds, not the roots. So what you could do is use it to kill the weeds to the ground, and then cover the bed with several inches of mulch to keep weeds from returning.

Crepe myrtle chainsaw massacre: I have three 'Natchez' crepe myrtles that are about 5 years old. When they were small, I was able to trim the new growth to shape them. But last year, they grew out of control and my husband took the chainsaw to them and cut them all the way back to the ground. This year, they grew back fast and are now tall and full. My question is: How can I make them look like the ones on your website -- bare at the bottom and full at the top? 

Answer: It's easy. Just select 4 to 5 trunks to remain and cut off the others at the ground. Then remove all side branches from those trunks up to a height of at least 4 feet. Keep removing side branches up to this height every year and you'll get 'Natchez' looking like it should.

Another chainsaw victim saved!

Faithful and uber-intelligent readers, Grumpy has the ultimate New Year's present for you. Not only do you get a sneak peek into an unquestionably marvelous story he's preparing for December 2010, but you also get a bonus reason for living.

Now you'd expect to pay $1,000,000 bucks for an incredible offer like this in retail blogs. But no! The all-beneficent, compassionate, and sensitive Grump is giving this to you absolutely free, just for your own enlightenment and gratification!

Pictured above is the Lexington, Kentucky home of garden designer Jon Carloftis, with whom photographer Ralphie Anderson and I were working on a story last week about growing and decorating with deciduous hollies -- you know, the ones that drop their leaves in winter. Jon, who designs gardens for many of Manhattan's wealthiest socialites, decided to step up in class and collaborate with the Grump. It was Rogers and Hammerstein all over again. 

When I called him last December to see if he could help me out, Jon had just finished decorating the Blair House in Washington, DC for Christmas using lots of winterberry (Ilex verticillata), which along with possumhaw (I. decidua) are the two kinds of deciduous holly people can cut from the garden or order from the florist. Jon told me that when he was first called about the Which Blair project, he turned it down, because he didn't know what the Blair House was. Then someone said, "That's the residence across the street from the White House where visiting foreign heads-of-state stay."

Jon had a change of heart.

For Southern Living, we wanted Jon to give our readers some easy ideas for Christmas decorating using deciduous hollies. Here's a mantel Jon did in about 20 minutes using 'Winter Red' winterberry, Japanese yew, evergreen holly, white amaryllis, and pine cones.

Next, we asked him to design a centerpiece for the dining table using springs of deciduous holly as stakes to hold up flowers of paperwhites. Jon filled in around the edges with snippets of white baby's breath (Gypsophila paniculata).

The cool thing about baby's breath, he says, is that the flowers dry perfectly and together with the holly stay looking great for a long time.

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"I am master of my domain," admits Jon during a particularly reflective moment.

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There's Gold in That Thar Holly

Not all deciduous hollies have red berries. Some have yellow or orange ones. Here's a really nifty, simple arrangement form Jon's house using 'Winter Gold' winterberry (it's really more orange than gold) combined with green spider mums. Even the Grump can do this.

Finally, we did a shot of Jon's front entrance using two urns filled with winterberry.

Pretty spectacular. wouldn't you say?

And Now -- An Incredible, One-Time Offer Only for You!

Want to know how to grow deciduous hollies, where to buy them, and how to tell apart winterberry from possumhaw, so you'll sound smarter than The Girls Next Door (not much of an accomplishment, really)? Then check back here later this week for another fabulous offer!

There's only one thing to do when the coldest weather in 40 years settles in over the state of Alabama like a worthless uncle who won't go home. I'm building a scale model of the Kremlin in my back yard.

This may take some time, given my inability so far to secure quality Russian laborers. I think they're all vacationing at my favorite hotel in Minsk, "The Randy Ruble," where the rooms have walls and the maids have time. In the interim, I have the perfect answer for those of you who wail at the sight of a bleak winter garden.

Plastic flowers.

That's right. Plastic. What other material can provide such long-lasting color for so little care? Plastic flowers come in every color you can think of, as well as some you can't. They don't need sunshine, water, or fertilizer. They don't care if it's 100 degrees or minus 20 degrees. They don't get bugs or diseases. They don't die. Best of all, any flower can be any color you want. Want bright-blue roses, screaming orange carnations, and romantic purple daisies? Done. Welcome to "Avatar."

The Grump has to admit, however, that plastic flowers aren't a free ride. For one thing, you do have to rinse them off with the hose about once a year to keep them sparkly. Plus, unless they are made from UV-resistant plastic, the colors may fade after a year or so. And, of course, anyone who gardens with plastic flowers risks being stereotyped. Can you believe it? Some uppity snobs actually think that displaying plastic flowers anywhere other than a cemetery or a redneck wedding shows lack of taste and sophistication! I'm so shocked and disappointed. 

A simple rule for plastic flower fans can reduce the chance for ridicule. Remember seasonality when gardening with them. Plastic poinsettias in summer and plastic wisteria in winter immediately look fake. So be seasonally appropriate. For example, try plastic daffodils in spring, plastic geraniums in summer, plastic mums in fall, and plastic poinsettias in winter. Make your home the most colorful in the neighborhood.

You are guaranteed to receive one of more of these comments from neighbors.

1. "Did someone just die?"

2. "I shop at Wal-Mart too."

3. "May I offer you some Skoal?"

4. "Who is your landscrape arkieteck?"

And Now for Something Totally Different

Ever wonder who Dave from Dave's Garden is? David Letterman? Dave Matthews?  Davey Crockett? Nope, it's Dave Whitinger and he runs the busiest garden website around with tons of info on just about every kind of gardening. Brenda Beust Smith of the Lazy Gardener blog has a nice little piece on him, which you can read by clicking here.

 
The global warming Paul Reveres are all in a tizzy this week. Over half the country is experiencing record cold. Here in Birmingham, we've into our fourth straight day of temps that haven't risen above freezing. I took the photo above are 1 PM yesterday. The guys at our building left the sprinkler system on all night to make sure that dormant plants that received 70 inches of rain last year didn't dry out. It worked!

We almost never have a day here that stays below freezing. In fact, we haven't had a cold spell like this since the 1940s. It's supposed to snow tomorrow and night temps will drop to the single digits over the weekend. That makes trips to my outhouse exercises in efficiency. Something is therefore seriously wrong with the world and portends our imminent doom. I blame genies.

However, in the event that the world doesn't end quite yet, you may be wondering what effects this most recent blast of global cooling will have of your plants. Will they survive the Big Chill? Will they be crippled for life? The Grump is ready with answers.

Tropical Plants (Chinese hibiscus, croton, tibouchina, etc.) -- If you left them outside and the temps got anywhere near freezing (even a light frost), butter them well, because they're toast. I expect a lot more damage in the Deep South than in the Upper South, because the cold has penetrated all the way to south Florida (in the 40's in Miami) and plants there have no defense.

Tender Perennials and Shrubs (lantana, Mexican bush sage, angel's trumpet, cast-iron plant, agave, sago palm, holly fern, Japanese pittosporum, etc.) -- These are the plants that never used to make it through the winter, but 15 years of mild winters have lulled us into a false sense of security. Some may be killed outright; some may just be killed to the ground. Insulating the base of a tender plant with several inches of mulch or fallen leaves may bring it back next spring.

Poor Little Daffodils and Other Bulbs -- Don't worry if you see bulb foliage all shriveled and wilted by the cold now. This matters not. When the weather warms in spring, new foliage will emerge and flowering will commence as usual. The only time cold really hurts these bulbs is if it freezes just as new flower buds are opening. 

Spring-Flowering Shrubs and Trees (forsythia, quince, azaleas, saucer magnolia, camellia, etc.) -- Any flowers that have opened already are deader than justice on Wall Street. However, unless it gets even colder, flower buds that are still tight should be OK. I'm betting that the budding flowers of paperbush (Edgeworthia chrysantha), shown at left, will be OK, because ice is a good insulator for plants. This is why fruit and vegetables farmers spray water on their fields before an expected killing frost. (I don't recommend this treatment for people, though, with the exception of baseball legend Ted Williams. His head was frozen for posterity. I bet it can still hit .300.)

Cold Is Good

As you're shivering this week, wondering whether you can make it to Starbucks without getting frostbite (never mind my outhouse), consider how positive cold is for gardening. It makes tulips, azaleas, peonies, apple trees, and other plants that need winter chilling bloom better in the spring. Cold kills off bugs that would otherwise overwinter. Most important of all, cold teaches us how stupid we were to plant things that have no chance of surviving a normal winter.

So while you still can, hug that Norfolk Island pine you stuck outside on the porch. It'll be the last hug it ever gets.

For years, the Grump has been a lone voice crying in the wilderness, selflessly and tirelessly trying to raise world awareness of our impending doom. But no one will hear -- the world is growing colder.

The amazing and shocking events of this past week along the East Coast provide irrefutable proof. Baltimore, Washington, D.C., and Philadelphia received record amounts of snow -- in some places, over 2 feet. Transportation in the affected areas halted and zombies attacked and ate stranded motorists as the Weather Channel's Jim Cantore looked on. Jim says we should brace for another wave of zombie attacks by the end of this week.

What could be responsible for the unprecedented zombie activity? Obviously, climate change.

Well, my family has decided not to take our deaths lying down. The only way to avoid global cooling is to increase our carbon footprint as much as we can. So yesterday evening my son, Brian, took matter into his own hands.

 
What's for dinner? Yummmm.......delicious, tender lamb chops enveloped in a cloud of pecan-chip smoke large enough to send global CO2 levels skyrocketing and hopefully warm this crazy world up.

I know world leaders are with me. This is why they all flew to Copenhagen last week to discuss global cooling, each one of them creating a vast carbon footprint with airplane exhaust. The only question remaining is what you, as a responsible Grumpian, are willing to do to further our cause. The future of civilization hangs in the balance.

Question from Jack: My Encore azaleas are now blooming. When and how do I trim them, especially the long branches sticking up?

Grumpy's 100% correct answer: Encores bloom in both fall and spring, so if you prune them now, you won't get flowers in spring. What you should do is prune them immediately after they finish blooming next spring. You  can cut back the long branches then. Click here for more info on pruning presented by the Encore people. They bloom in spring and fall too.

Once again, Grumpians, it's time to astound you with my complete mastery of all topics horticultural. The topics we'll review today include:

+Crepe myrtle sex

+Pruning holly

+Screening fishbowl with Leyland cypress

+'Endless Summer' hydrangea won't bloom

+Peace lily won't bloom

+Sowing wedding poppies

+Annihilating mole crickets

+Christmas cactus blooms

If none of these topics interest you, then you are sadly deficient in intellectual curiosity and deserve your own morning talk show on cable.

Question from Lynne: "I have two crepe myrtles in my front yard that won't bloom, except at the very top. They're planted under some tall pines. What's wrong? Are they both the same sex?"

Grumpy's wise reply:  Yes -- which is to say, no, because crepe myrtles have no sex, at least not out in the open. The cause of sparse blooms sounds like too much shade. The more sun your crepe myrtles get, the more blooms you'll get.

Question from Evergreen in SE Virginia: "I have two 12-foot hollies on either side of my front door that are very overgrown. I want to cut them back severely. May I do this and when?"

Grumpy's wise reply: The all-knowing Grump always recommends leaving a space of at least a foot between shrubbery and the house to facilitate good air circulation and prevent the growth of algae and mildew. Fortunately for you, holly is one of those plants that can be cut back within an inch of its life and still leaf out again. Prune them after your first frost. 

Question from Penny: "We live in a fishbowl and a landscape architect has suggested planting a screen of Leyland cypress on one side of our property for privacy. What do you think?"

Grumpy's wisenheimer reply: A Leyland cypress can grow 3 to 4 feet a year and reach a height of 80 feet, so it will quickly outgrow your fishbowl or even a good-size aquarium. It does make a good tall screen. Unfortunately, during the last decade, more and more of them have fallen victim to a disease called cypress canker that causes branches to turn brown and die. Canker usually affects plants under stress from drought, poor drainage, and overwatering (especially from lawn sprinklers). 'Green Giant' arbor vitae makes a good substitute, as it has the same basic shape.

Question from Faye: I've heard 'Endless Summer' hydrangea blooms all summer long. My plant hasn't produced any blooms since one blossom from last year. It's planted in well-drained soil, gets plenty of water and sunlight, and has beautiful green foliage. What am I doing wrong?"

Grumpy's compassionate reply: Don't feel bad. Many people have had the same experience. 'Endless Summer' does bloom on both old and new growth. But in order for this to happen, the plant needs a steady diet of water and fertilizer to keep it actively growing all summer. If it gets dry, it stops growing and you don't get any more flowers. The Grump has had 'Endless Summer' in the ground now for 5 years and this is the first summer it has produced a second flush of blooms. So far, we've had 64 inches of rain. Coincidence? He thinks not.

Question from Rita: "My peace lily plant doesn't bloom. Does it need high light? Should I fertilize it?"

Grumpy's succinct reply: Try moving it. Although peace lily (Spathiphyllum sp.) grows perfectly well in low light, it won't bloom very much. Bright, indirect light or filtered sun will do the trick. Direct sun is not the answer, though -- it'll burn the leaves.

Wedding question from Juli in Tennessee: "I am planning my daughter's wedding next June 5. I want to plant a large field next to my home with Iceland poppies. What are the chances I can have beautiful poppies on this date and what does this entail?"

Grumpy's shady reply: Making the Grump the primary beneficiary of your retirement account would certainly advance your chances. Absent that, I can't guarantee these cool-season annuals will still be in bloom, but you have a decent chance if the weather doesn't get too warm. Scatter the seeds atop bare soil right now and let the rain plant them. You can smooth some soil over them if you wish, but don't bury them more than a quarter-inch deep.   

Question from Monya: "My dogs nearly dug to China in search of mole crickets. Areas of my yard look like a mine field! What can I put out to kill these things without hurting my dogs?"

Grumpy's bloodthirsty reply: You need to apply a granular lawn insecticide to cause maximum carnage. Try Maxide. It's available at most home centers. Follow label directions carefully.

Question from Linda Lou: "How do I get my Christmas cactus to bloom? I would like it to bloom for the holidays."

Grumpy's didactic reply: Christmas cacti are short-day bloomers (like poinsettias). They set flower buds as the days grow shorter. I have mine outside right now in the light shade of my screened porch and only bring them inside when a frost is expected. They're already setting buds. Look closely at the ends of leaves for tiny, plump buds to appear. When they do, you can bring your plants inside and they'll bloom. Keep the soil moist while they're in bud and bloom. My plants have bloomed every year for the last 5 years.

What concerns people most in the country right now? Losing their jobs? Losing their retirements? Nope. It's how to properly prune their crepe myrtles Here's a step-by-step guide showing how the Grumps prunes his.

Most of you are scared to death of pruning and rightly so. That's because you do it wrong. Have no fear, the Grump in his great beneficence will reveal the path to pruning enlightenment.

Ladies, are you still steamed about the brand new laundry basket your husband the gardener gave you last Christmas? Here are 10 ways to get even.

Grumpians --

A question of singular importance faces many homeowners at this time of year -- should they leave their potted ferns outside to die in the cold or bring them inside to save for next year?

Carol Bryant of West Monroe, Louisiana faces this dilemma. Fortunately for her, she has asked a gardener of all-encompassing knowledge (me). She emails:

"I have three 'Kimberly Queens' that started out in 12 inch pots 2 years ago. Strictly by accident, I must have placed them in the perfect spot and watered them just the right amount, because now they are in 36- inch pots and take up the entire pot.

I  want to know if is possible to divide the plants into smaller ones or will that kill them? I’ve been told “yes” and “no” by my friends. Which is it? Can I repot them in bigger pots every year? I keep them in a temporary greenhouse in the winter. Thanks for all your help. Carol"

What can brown leaves do for you? How about feed your garden? For free!

Gee, you'd think during times like these when 401k's are shrinking faster than Teri Hatcher's waistline, people would go for free fertilizer that falls from the sky and doesn't smell. But just go outside this weekend and you'll see your neighbors engaged in waste that would make Congress proud. They'll be raking their leaves to the curb.

This is stupid is so many ways. Let me enumerate:

• Leaves raked to the curb invariably make their way into storm drains and clog them. Who pays to unclog storm drains? Taxpayers.
• In most cities and towns where trucks suck up leaves in fall, the leaves end up in landfills along with garbage. Who pays to open new landfills when old ones fill up? Taxpayers. Granted, some enlightened towns compost the leaves, but not enough.
• Leaves make great organic fertilizer, compost, and mulch, better than anything you can buy at home centers. All you have to do is chop them up. And they're free!